One’s Kinky, The Other One Isn’t

(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #169, November 16, 2001)

Can This Relationship Be Saved?

Dear Mr. Leather Columnist, Sir: I’ve just fallen head-over-heels for a real dreamboat. He’s charming, intelligent, and kind, and I think he’s equally smitten with me. But as far as I can determine he’s completely, relentlessly vanilla. I, on the other hand, have a closetful of leather and a bulging toy bag. Oh, and they sing “Hello, Dolly” when I walk into the Eagle.

Should I tell him about my interest in leather? If so, how? Or should I even be pursuing a relationship with him? Is it possible to make a relationship work when one member of a couple is into leather and the other isn’t? Do leather and vanilla mix?

Should you tell this seemingly vanilla person that you’re kinky? Suppose you do, and the other person is horrified; it’s probably better that you discover this incompatibility before investing a great deal of time and energy in a relationship that might be derailed when your interests come to light. On the other hand, the other person might say something like “Oh, thank goodness, so am I! I was wondering how I was going to tell you.” (In that case, you can take the discussion to the next stage: “Are you a top, bottom, or switch?”)

A third possible response, of course, is an even-handed “I’m not into that, but it’s not a problem if you are.” Before you let your hopes be dashed because the other person doesn’t share your leather interests, consider that they may have an interest that you don’t share—opera, for example. If the rest of the ingredients for a relationship are there, what’s to say it can’t work? Maybe they wouldn’t be averse to at least seeing what goes on in a dungeon, and you might actually enjoy “Carmen.”

On the other hand, not being honest with the other person—about kinkiness or anything else—pretty much dooms any relationship that evolves. As I said in another column recently, it’s the secrets we keep that get us in trouble. You’ll be living in fear that your secret will someday come out, and sooner or later it probably will. Whether or not the relationship survives the disclosure, the situation probably won’t be pretty.

Sometimes, though, it’s not a matter of keeping secrets at the start—it’s a matter of self-discovery along the way. Unfortunately, that doesn’t necessarily make things any easier:

Dear Mr. Leather Columnist, Sir: I really love my partner. We’ve been a happy lesbian couple for many years and have been through a lot together. But I am becoming more and more aware that we’ve grown apart, sexually speaking. After years of denying my interest in BDSM, lately I’ve been feeling like it’s something I need to at least explore. When I confided in my partner, however, she told me that in her opinion BDSM was all about the degradation of women (obviously I don’t share her opinion) and she gave me an ultimatum: BDSM or her. I don’t want to lose her, but I’m afraid if I let her control me I’ll grow to resent her for keeping me from exploring this aspect of myself. And I don’t want to sneak around behind her back. What do I do now?

First of all, you are to be commended for your honesty (and perhaps courage) in telling your partner about your discovery of this aspect of yourself. You are also to be commended for your integrity in not wanting to sneak around behind her back, and for your insight about the possibility of developing resentments if you let her control you.

It seems to me that your partner, on the other hand, is being rather inflexible about the situation and inconsiderate of you and your feelings.

There are many parallels between this situation and a married couple in which one partner can no longer ignore their homosexual tendencies. The couple may stay together or may break apart, but if they stay together “arrangements” are usually made as the relationship is restructured in some fashion. Couples in which one partner is interested in kink and the other isn’t must face and negotiate the same types of issues: If the relationship is to be opened up, how open should it be? What constitutes fidelity or infidelity, monogamy or non-monogamy? (To illustrate just one possible example, is the relationship to be sexually open but emotionally monogamous?) What’s considered sexual play and what’s considered non-sexual? How much or how little does the non-kinky partner want to hear about the kinky partner’s adventures and discoveries?

There’s nothing wrong with being kinky. There’s nothing wrong with not being kinky, either—it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay. As long as everyone involved can accept both those tenets and respect the other person’s point of view, even if they don’t share it, there’s no problem. Problems happen when someone expects everyone else to be kinky (just like them) or not kinky (just like them).

Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)

MSDB Fireplay Workshop
November 17, 2001, 2-5 P.M., Mpls.
Local BDSM group MSDB presents a workshop on the sizzling, intense art and craft of setting fire to a willing partner’s skin. Safety, materials, and more will be discussed. Cost: $7.50 for MSDB members, $15 for non-members. (Tickets must be purchased in advance.) Details at www.msdb-mn.org or write MSDB, Minneapolis, MN.