(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #129, May 5, 2000)
If you’re an adult who wants to find out more about the leather/BDSM/fetish community, there are all kinds of groups and other resources available to you. But what if the law says you’re not yet an adult? You’re pretty much out of luck, because most of those resources and groups are off-limits to minors. But many young people are curious about the scene, whether society and the law like to admit it or not. Now there’s a community resource just for them—the first of its kind, right here in Minneapolis. And here’s the kicker: It was created by two high-school students as their Girl Scout Gold Award project.
Queer Youth Exist is an education and safety group for youth under the age of 21 who have an interest in BDSM, fetishism, or any queer or alternative culture. It’s not necessarily exclusively GLBT, but it meets every Wednesday from 6 to 8 PM at District 202, the local GLBT youth center. The aim of the group’s founders is to create a confidential and safe forum for anyone, any gender, any orientation, under age 21 to discuss and explore BDSM and fetishism issues safely. Other related discussion topics have included safe sex and safe dating, meeting people on-line, and even sugar daddies. The group has been meeting since last November and has been an open discussion group, although plans call for bringing in guest speakers and even renting movies to watch and discuss.
The group was created by two high-school students, Hedge (a senior) and Katza (a junior). Both are also Girl Scouts (Hedge has been a Girl Scout for 13 years), and this is their Girl Scout Gold Award project. A Gold Award is the highest honor for a Girl Scout—the equivalent of becoming an Eagle Scout in Boy Scouts, although Hedge pointed out that “actually, the Gold Award is harder because there are more restrictions on the type of project.” There are proposals to be made, interviews about the proposal, and a review process with lots of paperwork. So the local Girl Scout council knows about this project and is supportive of it.
This special BDSM group for youth has evolved because other BSDM groups are for those over age 18, and most are for those over age 21. According to Katza, “This avoids legal problems like statutory rape and corruption of minors, and also means these groups don’t have to deal with angry parents and the Christian Coalition.” She goes on to point out another reason for excluding youth from these groups: “Sometimes young people can be obnoxious. People don’t necessarily want high-school students coming to their events and making Beavis and Butthead jokes. A lot of people have told me that they don’t have enough faith in the maturity of under-21s to invite them to events. We’re trying to make youth be less of a threat to the adult community—to say to the adult community that we know what we’re doing, we know what a safeword is, we know about safe-sane-consensual sex and we know how to act appropriately.”
Both Hedge and Katza see a great deal of interest in BDSM and fetish culture among fellow young people. According to Katza, “They’re attracted to the young goth BDSM culture—to the shiny clothes, attractive people, great music and club nights. It’s a fun culture and people want to be part of it even if they don’t practice BDSM. They want to separate themselves from the Abercrombie & Fitch jock crowd—they want to be with older people who are in their culture scene.”
But excluding youth from the BDSM scene leaves young people out on their own, which means they may explore BDSM in ways that are dangerous both emotionally and physically. They pretend they’re older than they are and they pretend to know more than they really do. Katza again: “Most kids get into bars with a fake ID. You may come from a conservative home and go to a high school where there’s no sexuality or really lame sexuality. And all of a sudden you’re in a room with great music, beautiful people, corsets and spikes, and you get overloaded.
“And people assume you’re one of them, and you think, ‘Well, I’m gonna be one of them—I’m gonna pack as much into it as I can, I’m going to drink a lot and smoke a lot and hit on every cute girl in a corset I see.’ And if somebody hits on them and asks them their age, a lot of them won’t be honest and say they’re underage, they’ll lie, and that can lead to all kinds of dangerous situations. None of that is appropriate behavior for any of us. The hope is that a group like Queer Youth Exist will make the scene more accessible and offer a saner, more sensibly-paced introduction.” In Hedge’s opinion, “I think it’s kind of sick that our culture is willing to let people sit in ignorance about anything—if people are going to do it anyway, they might as well do it safely.”
Queer Youth Exist meetings tend to focus less on physical sexuality and more on BDSM as being an extension of the psyche, trying to balance itself and find an equilibrium. This balancing can be especially important for young people going through turbulent times. Katza: “Teens who are bullies often feel a need to submit, and they can’t submit to their peers because it would be breaking their role. Often they’re the ones who go to unsafe adults—they don’t think about whether it’s safe or not, they simply know that this person is going to dominate them. Other young people, who are very often ‘good kids’ or who are very submissive and don’t have a lot of power, may want a chance to dominate. BDSM power play, if it’s discussed and it’s safe, can be a very efficient way to get back in balance mentally.” “And,” says Hedge, “it’s less expensive than a psychologist.” (Hedge goes on to stress that Queer Youth Exist is a support group, not a therapy group; if necessary, Queer Youth Exist and District 202 will refer people to a qualified and supportive psychologist.)
Youth is a time of raging hormones which can make everything seem connected to sex in one way or another. But Queer Youth Exist encourages youth interested in BDSM to experiment with power play before physical play. According to Katza, “Something as simple as having a conversation in master/sub format can be a safe way to get comfortable with BDSM concepts and roles, rather than just going straight to the sex. I think a lot of teens want to get straight to the sex because it’s such a taboo issue that they don’t want to talk about it, they just want to do it and keep quiet about it. But I think we put the emphasis on psychological, and then you move it into sexual as your personal desires, needs, and safety suggest.”
What about BDSM relationships between a minor and an adult? For much of society, this is a bombshell question. But according to Katza, “Most of the outright queer kids I know are very intelligent, very individually-assertive people. To be able to come out and say that they’re queer, they’ve had to put a lot of thought into it. They’re well-developed mentally—they’re curious, open-minded people, and often they’re attracted to people whose minds are developed. Often they’re attracted to adults—not necessarily middle-aged or the age of their parents, but more likely between the ages of 18 and 26.” Hedge points out that this is a daunting issue even for vanilla GLBT kids, “but then you throw BDSM into the picture and people run screaming.”
There are legal and emotional considerations to deal with here. Young people need to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy ways of relating to someone older, but there’s a difference between age and maturity that both Hedge and Katza feel the law doesn’t recognize. “We try to say, in our society, when somebody turns 18 they’re mature, and before that they’re not.” Katza: “My mother told me I couldn’t be gay until I was 21. And it’s like, so, when I’m 21, I’m going to awaken and say ‘At last—now I’m mature enough to sleep with girls!’ If a young person is in a relationship that can’t be talked about, it’s less safe. If you can talk openly about a relationship with an older person without fear of getting them arrested, you’re going to be a lot safer in the relationship.”
Romantic or BDSM-play relationships aside, kids interested in the BDSM community look to adult members of that community for support and mentorship, and Queer Youth Exist has benefited from assistance and encouragement from members of adult BDSM groups both locally and from around the country. A frequent reaction from adults who hear about this group is, “Why wasn’t this around when I was their age?” Even twenty-five-year-olds have written Hedge and Katza and said they wished they could be in the group because they need the information. Says Hedge, “It’s great to know we have this much support from the community, that we’re not delusional and just making up the need for this, and I hope we start a domino effect by inspiring other groups like this in other places.”
Mark Your Calendar and Make Your Reservations
Knights of Leather Tournament 12 Run. May 19-21.
International Mr. Leather Contest, Chicago. May 26-29 (Memorial Day Weekend). FFI: www.imrl.com or (800) 545-6753.
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Saturday, May 6
Atons Road Trip/Bar Night: Des Moines
At the Blazing Saddle Barr
Travel to Des Moines with the Atons; while you’re there you’ll also meet members of the Cornhaulers leather club of Des Moines and LEO (Leather Engineers of Omaha). FFI: www.atons.com.
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