BDSM, Therapists, and Sanity

(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #130, May 19, 2000)

Welcome to the leatherwomen and leathermen attending the Knights of Leather Tournament 12 Run. Play safe and have a great weekend!

I was recently invited to speak about leather and BDSM sex to a Twin Cities-based group of GLBT mental-health providers. I shared speaking duties with Noelle Hogan, and together we demystified leather and BDSM for the many therapists and other mental-health professionals who attended the meeting. (Some of those therapists also helped in demystifing and explaining the leather/BDSM community to their peers.)

The fact that mental health was the topic of the day fit in perfectly with the “sane” component of the community’s “Safe, Sane, Consensual” mantra. A therapist needs to be able to judge if a client’s behavior is sane or not. But if a therapist’s shame, personal prejudice, or ignorance about leather/BDSM interferes with that judgment, they may not be helping their client in the most effective way.

We talked about the leather community’s view that leathersex done right, and for the right reasons, is healthy and heightened sexuality and also heightened and healthy intimacy. Done wrong or for the wrong reasons it’s not healthy and it’s not BDSM, it’s abuse. How can a therapist tell which is which? How can their clients? How can you?

Here’s one example from the seminar. One member of the group asked about knife play and cutting—how could that be considered sane? (The same question could be asked by the uninitiated about almost any common dungeon activity.) I answered that it’s sometimes necessary to look at the motivation behind the action.

Some people are into cutting and scarification for ritual value in much the same way that other people get tattoos or piercings. The cutting, tattooing, or piercing is the ritual that the person is using to mark an event in their lives, and the body jewelry, tattoo or scar is the lasting reminder of the ritual.

In this context, what’s the difference between a nipple ring and a wedding ring? People might do body modification for healthy or unhealthy reasons, and people get married for healthy or unhealthy reasons. A little (or a lot) of investigative work will shed light on the reasons behind people’s actions, and a therapist can then make an evaluation of whether the motivations are healthy or unhealthy. (Yes, I know, I’m making it sound a lot simpler than it usually is.)

Here’s another cutting scenario that shows a completely different motivation: a teenage girl, alone in her room, takes a razor blade and slowly, deliberately, makes cuts in her arm. She watches, fascinated, as the blood trickles out of the cuts. This isn’t the first time she’s done this—it’s becoming a habit, and her parents are worried. When the therapist asks her why she does it, her unemotional reply is simply this: “Because I feel the pain, and I see the blood flow, and I know I’m alive.”

This is not BDSM. This is self-mutilation, and it’s more common than you might think. This is the desperate cry of a tortured soul in real pain. The parents are right to be worried, and the patient and therapist have a lot of work ahead of them.

What’s the difference between BDSM and abuse? Look at the motivations behind the actions, and the feelings that come from the actions. Here are some questions to ask about a situation to help clarify whether it’s healthy or unhealthy.

How do you feel while it’s happening? Whether topping or bottoming, BDSM sex will feel good; while engaging in it you may feel buoyant and exhilarated or you may feel relaxed, dreamy, and euphoric. You should feel loved and respected. Abuse will not feel good; you may feel anywhere from slightly ridiculous to somewhat uneasy to terrified, panic-stricken and frightened. You may feel used and objectified or you may feel anger and rage. Honor your feelings and what they’re telling you. If you feel a mixture of both good and bad, try to determine where the bad feelings are coming from—they’re trying to tell you something important.

How do you feel after it’s over? Warm, satisfied, giggly, contented, euphoric, glowing, cared for—in other words, happy? Has your life been enhanced? Or do you feel bad—hurt, used, angry, abandoned, sad, denigrated, disrespected? Do you feel like you’ve just been raped, punished, abused or violated? Do you want revenge? Are you feeling a mixture of good and bad feelings? Again, pay attention to what your feelings are telling you.

What feelings are your BDSM experiences reinforcing—good ones or bad ones? If your BDSM experiences enrich and enhance your life, don’t feel you need to apologize to a therapist (or anyone else) for being kinky. But if you feel you need to be punished, beaten up, or hurt—if your BDSM experiences are feeding feelings of self-hate or low self-esteem—that’s not a healthy reason to engage in BDSM. Nor is it healthy if you feel a need to go out occasionally and find a willing punching bag on whom you can vent your frustrations. In either case you are skating on the kind of thin ice where anger is in control and people get hurt as a result. That most definitely is neither safe nor sane. Run, do not walk, to your nearest GLBT-friendly and kink-friendly therapist (aren’t we lucky to live where there actually are such people?) and let them help you help yourself.

New Leather/Levi Club: Trident International Minnesota

GRAPHIC: Trident International Minnesota logo

The Twin Cities has a new leather/levi club. Trident International Minnesota is the thirteenth branch of Trident International, which was formed in 1973 at the Neptune Bar in Montreal. According to club president Scott Anderson, “We’re a new club with an old-guard attitude.” Their club motto: “Give a damn.” Trident International Minnesota currently has twelve full members and four associate members, but they’re looking to recruit more (both men and women).

The club held their first event on Sunday, April 30 and raised over $450 for the Leather Archives & Museum in Chicago. B.D. Chambers of the Atons was on bootblack duty and Arden of the Regis was doing buzzcuts. Entertainment was by local rock group All The Pretty Horses. Many other fundraising events are planned with an emphasis on children with AIDS, other AIDS charities, and cancer research. For more information visit their website at www.crosswinds.net/~tridentmn or e-mail them at tridentmn@hotmail.com.

International Mr. Leather Contest is May 26-29 (that’s next weekend!)

If you haven’t made your plans already, find out what kind of last-minute arrangements you can make by visiting www.imrl.com or calling (800) 545-6753.

Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)

Sunday, May 28

Saloon Underwear Party
6-10 PM in The Saloon, 10 PM-closing in The Tank
If you’re not going to Chicago for IML, this is the place to be. A chance for the buff and the beautiful to mingle with leather studs and other tough guys. Dress code for The Tank has been modified for the evening: leather or underwear.