(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #131, June 2, 2000)
(Suggested graphic: Photo of a leather biker’s hat, leather sash at an angle, and leather jeans and boots arranged as if someone were wearing them. That’s only one possibility—see if you come up with others.)
I just got back from the Mr. Leather International (MLI) contest, that perennial leather-community springtime institution. The contest is presented each year over Memorial Day weekend in beautiful Atlantic City, New Jersey (the garden spot of the garden state). Every year the sight of a bevy of leather Adonises in Speedos (black, of course) strutting their stuff on the Boardwalk never fails to inspire me. In keeping with the clean and wholesome image of this contest and title, all the competitors are certified steroid-free.
But it wasn’t just the contestants who were interesting—this year’s physique pre-judging on the Boardwalk attracted some notable celebrities. I spotted Al and Tipper Gore there with Hillary Clinton. I also saw George W. Bush taking in all the action and shaking hands; when asked how long he’d been interested in leather, he answered, “Oh, about fifteen minutes.”
Started in 1921, this was the 80th year for the contest and the 47th time it’s been on television (it’s always a ratings winner for its time slot). After having been on all three major networks through the years, it was fitting that this year’s contest was broadcast on Fox, the good-taste network. The MLI organization always prides itself on choosing the hottest names in entertainment for hosting duties—last year’s emcees were Donnie and Marie Osmond. This year the emcee duties were handled by that dynamic duo of daytime TV, Regis Philbin and Kathy Lee Gifford.
The show, which was jointly sponsored by Miller Brewing Co. and Wet International, opened with the requisite huge production number: Kathy Lee and 65 leathermen from around the world sang, danced and paraded to “Beautiful Men,” a reworking of “Beautiful Girls” from Stephen Sondheim’s musical “Follies.” (Sondheim personally rewrote the lyrics.) Then Regis introduced and chatted with each and every contestant in the “spokesmodel” part of the competition. Based on the spokesmodel scores, the field of 65 contestants was narrowed down to twenty lucky semi-finalists.
Those twenty lucky semi-finalists did another production number, “We’re Here, We’re Cuir,” penned especially for the show by Elton John. The Evening Wear (leather tuxedo) and Swimsuit segments of the competition were next; both swimsuits and tuxedos were designed for the contest by Bob Mackie. The Talent segment of the judging was next, and it was a good chance for the contestants to differentiate themselves from the rest of the competitors. Todd Olansky of Winnipeg, Canada did quite a mean fire-eating-and-breathing number, while Jason Jackson of Tupelo, Mississippi, combined a sub, a flogger, an accordion and roller skates in a scene the likes of which I’ve never seen before and don’t expect I’ll ever see again. From tiny Luxembourg, Georg Hanfelmann’s duct-tape-bondage-on the-flying-trapeze number went slightly awry, but tragedy was averted by a well-placed safety net.
The crowd reserved their biggest oohs and aahs, however, for Jack Hendries of Cocoa Beach, Florida. Dressed head-to-toe in leather and backed by a chorus line composed of the entire membership of the Cocoa Beach Astronauts (truly a fun leather club if ever there was one), Hendries and company tap-danced their way through a reworking of Marlene Dietrich’s classic “See What The Boys In The Back Room Are Having.” Hendries changed the lyric to “See What The Boys In The Back Room Are Doing,” and by the time the number was through most of the leather had been stripped off and it was pretty obvious what the boys in the back room were doing.
After a commercial break, it was time to narrow the field again, this time to ten lucky finalists, who went through the final judging event: the Pop Question. Philbin asked each lucky finalist the same question: “If you are selected as this year’s Mr. Leather International, what will you do to unify the leather community?” The finalist then had 15 seconds in which to give his answer before the microphone was turned off. (The other finalists were kept in an on-stage glass isolation booth so they couldn’t hear each other’s answers.) After each contestant had spoken, Philbin repeated his catch phrase, “Is that your FINAL answer?”, and the crowd went wild.
While the judges were deliberating, Kathy Lee entertained the audience with selections from her new CD, “Born For You” (fourteen ballads, both old and new, in stores now). Finally, it was time to announce the winners. The second runner-up, winner of a $5,000 scholarship, was Jason Jackson. Todd Olansky took first runner-up honors and won a $10,000 scholarship. And then, the evening’s winner: Pandemonium broke out as Jack Hendries was sashed with the MLI 2000 sash—he goes home with a $15,000 scholarship and a new Daimler-Chrysler PT Cruiser! As a finale, Regis and Kathy Lee invited all 65 contestants back to the stage for a rousing rendition of Jerry Herman’s “The Best Of Times Is Now.”
International Mr. Leather Contest, Chicago
Since I planned to be in Atlantic City for the MLI contest, I sent aspiring leather journalist Steve Harrington to Chicago to cover the International Mr. Leather contest, which was happening the same weekend. (That johnny-come-lately contest has only been going on for 21 years, but I guess it’s newsworthy too.) Well, the funniest thing happened—he was so taken with the contest he decided to enter it right then and there, and he wound up winning the title! And I haven’t heard a word from him since. But I’m sure he’ll have all the details of the IML contest next issue.
Register Now for Atons Gopher XIV Run
Friday through Sunday, July 21-23, The Atons of Minneapolis present their Gopher XIV Run: The Legend of Paul Bunyan. The men of Paul’s lumber camp, deep in the Northwoods, invite you to join them for a celebration of summer. Live the life of a lumberjack or loggerjill for a weekend. Huge meals, gargantuan games, and stupendous parties (not to mention their infamous dungeon). For more information and a downloadable application form visit www.atons.com/events.htm. Or call the Atons HotLine or e-mail runinfo@atons.com. (Save $25 by registering before July 1.)
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Atons Road Trip to Milwaukee Pride Festival
Friday-Sunday, June 9-11
The final Atons Road Trip before their Gopher XIV Run in July. On Saturday night this month’s Leather/Levi Dinner will be held at a restaurant in Milwaukee; the Atons will also host a club night at Milwaukee’s 1100 Club in conjunction with the Oberons of Milwaukee and the Castaways of Milwaukee (10 pm to closing). For more information visit www.atons.com/calendar.htm; for carpool information e-mail AtonsJim@aol.com or call Jim.
Friday, June 2, 2000
Friday, May 19, 2000
Transition: Jim Chalgren, 1951-2000
(Transitions article published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #130, May 19, 2000)
PHOTOS: (Jim Chalgren 3) Jim Chalgren at the Atons 1994 Halloween party. His costume represents the human-faced incarnation of Anubis, the Egyptian god of the underworld and judge of the dead.
(Jim Chalgren 2) Chalgren was known as the “Energizer Bunny” because he just kept going and going and going.
(Jim Chalgren 1) Chalgren reading the invocation at the recent Atons Officer Installation ceremony held at Bravo in Minneapolis.
James “Jim” Eric Chalgren, was born on July 15, 1951 in Mankato, MN. He passed away at age 48, surrounded by family and friends, on April 23 (Easter Sunday) at Fairview-University Medical Center in Minneapolis.
After attending Prescott College in Prescott, AZ for two years Chalgren was a Summa Cum Laude graduate of Mankato State University, earning a Bachelor’s Degree in Sociology. He became a counselor on the faculty of the Counseling Bureau at Mankato State while working on his Master’s Degree, and was also the director of the Mankato State University Alternative Lifestyles office. He began working toward his Ph.D. at the University of Minnesota when poor health forced him to stop.
He was one of Minnesota’s first well-known gay activists. In 1977 he started the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Center at Mankato State University (now called Minnesota State University, Mankato). In 1985 he was instrumental in the founding of The Aliveness Project, which has since become recognized as a model community-based services provider for those living with HIV.
In 1987 the killing of two gay men near Mankato inspired him to start advocating an equal-rights ordinance for Mankato which would have protected gays and lesbians from discrimination in employment, education, housing and other areas. (The ordinance was ultimately voted down by the Mankato City Council.)
Over the years he was also involved in the Names Project (the AIDS quilt), gay pride parades in Minneapolis, and AIDS walks. As an artist, writer and poet he was a contributor to many gay publications including The GLC Voice, Gaze and Lavender. He also held the title of “Mr. Gay Minnesota, 1983.”
Chalgren was fascinated with Egyptian artifacts and history. He was a long-time member, both full and associate, of the Atons, a Minneapolis leather/levi club; on their web page (www.atons.com) his name is listed as “Jim Anubis Chalgren.” Chalgren held the position of Egyptologist for the club, whose name and insignia are derived from ancient Egyptian ruler Akhenaton. He was also an active member of The Cavern Dwellers.
The fact that Chalgren passed away on Easter Sunday, one of his favorite holidays, was significant in many ways. He was a member of St. John’s Episcopal Church in Mankato and had been active in Integrity, an Episcopal organization for the GLBT community; he found value in Christian theology and the concepts of life, death and afterlife symbolized by the Christian Easter celebration.
But Chalgren also found valuable symbolism in other belief systems such as Buddhism and the beliefs of ancient Egypt. Rabbits were symbols of fertility to many ancient cultures, a belief that has become traditionalized today as the Easter Bunny. Chalgren, a long-time AIDS survivor who came back from the brink of death many times, became known in some circles as the “Energizer Bunny” because he just kept going and going and going. (On at least one Halloween and for at least one Pride parade he donned a bunny costume.)
Finally, April 23 was also the feast day for Chalgren’s patron saint, St. George (colloquially known as the “dragon slayer” and also the patron saint for people suffering from diseases spread through sexual contact). A reinterpretation of the legend of St. George and the Dragon provided the motif for the sermon at his memorial service, which was held in Mankato at St. John’s Episcopal Church on Thursday, April 27. Chalgren was remembered by a friend as a “Renaissance Man” who somehow found time and energy to involve himself in an amazing number of causes, and he was remembered by a niece as “the most spiritual man I ever met.” After the service Paul Rozendaal, former president of the Atons, summed up the feelings of many when he said “I will always be glad that I knew him.”
BDSM, Therapists, and Sanity
(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #130, May 19, 2000)
Welcome to the leatherwomen and leathermen attending the Knights of Leather Tournament 12 Run. Play safe and have a great weekend!
I was recently invited to speak about leather and BDSM sex to a Twin Cities-based group of GLBT mental-health providers. I shared speaking duties with Noelle Hogan, and together we demystified leather and BDSM for the many therapists and other mental-health professionals who attended the meeting. (Some of those therapists also helped in demystifing and explaining the leather/BDSM community to their peers.)
The fact that mental health was the topic of the day fit in perfectly with the “sane” component of the community’s “Safe, Sane, Consensual” mantra. A therapist needs to be able to judge if a client’s behavior is sane or not. But if a therapist’s shame, personal prejudice, or ignorance about leather/BDSM interferes with that judgment, they may not be helping their client in the most effective way.
We talked about the leather community’s view that leathersex done right, and for the right reasons, is healthy and heightened sexuality and also heightened and healthy intimacy. Done wrong or for the wrong reasons it’s not healthy and it’s not BDSM, it’s abuse. How can a therapist tell which is which? How can their clients? How can you?
Here’s one example from the seminar. One member of the group asked about knife play and cutting—how could that be considered sane? (The same question could be asked by the uninitiated about almost any common dungeon activity.) I answered that it’s sometimes necessary to look at the motivation behind the action.
Some people are into cutting and scarification for ritual value in much the same way that other people get tattoos or piercings. The cutting, tattooing, or piercing is the ritual that the person is using to mark an event in their lives, and the body jewelry, tattoo or scar is the lasting reminder of the ritual.
In this context, what’s the difference between a nipple ring and a wedding ring? People might do body modification for healthy or unhealthy reasons, and people get married for healthy or unhealthy reasons. A little (or a lot) of investigative work will shed light on the reasons behind people’s actions, and a therapist can then make an evaluation of whether the motivations are healthy or unhealthy. (Yes, I know, I’m making it sound a lot simpler than it usually is.)
Here’s another cutting scenario that shows a completely different motivation: a teenage girl, alone in her room, takes a razor blade and slowly, deliberately, makes cuts in her arm. She watches, fascinated, as the blood trickles out of the cuts. This isn’t the first time she’s done this—it’s becoming a habit, and her parents are worried. When the therapist asks her why she does it, her unemotional reply is simply this: “Because I feel the pain, and I see the blood flow, and I know I’m alive.”
This is not BDSM. This is self-mutilation, and it’s more common than you might think. This is the desperate cry of a tortured soul in real pain. The parents are right to be worried, and the patient and therapist have a lot of work ahead of them.
What’s the difference between BDSM and abuse? Look at the motivations behind the actions, and the feelings that come from the actions. Here are some questions to ask about a situation to help clarify whether it’s healthy or unhealthy.
How do you feel while it’s happening? Whether topping or bottoming, BDSM sex will feel good; while engaging in it you may feel buoyant and exhilarated or you may feel relaxed, dreamy, and euphoric. You should feel loved and respected. Abuse will not feel good; you may feel anywhere from slightly ridiculous to somewhat uneasy to terrified, panic-stricken and frightened. You may feel used and objectified or you may feel anger and rage. Honor your feelings and what they’re telling you. If you feel a mixture of both good and bad, try to determine where the bad feelings are coming from—they’re trying to tell you something important.
How do you feel after it’s over? Warm, satisfied, giggly, contented, euphoric, glowing, cared for—in other words, happy? Has your life been enhanced? Or do you feel bad—hurt, used, angry, abandoned, sad, denigrated, disrespected? Do you feel like you’ve just been raped, punished, abused or violated? Do you want revenge? Are you feeling a mixture of good and bad feelings? Again, pay attention to what your feelings are telling you.
What feelings are your BDSM experiences reinforcing—good ones or bad ones? If your BDSM experiences enrich and enhance your life, don’t feel you need to apologize to a therapist (or anyone else) for being kinky. But if you feel you need to be punished, beaten up, or hurt—if your BDSM experiences are feeding feelings of self-hate or low self-esteem—that’s not a healthy reason to engage in BDSM. Nor is it healthy if you feel a need to go out occasionally and find a willing punching bag on whom you can vent your frustrations. In either case you are skating on the kind of thin ice where anger is in control and people get hurt as a result. That most definitely is neither safe nor sane. Run, do not walk, to your nearest GLBT-friendly and kink-friendly therapist (aren’t we lucky to live where there actually are such people?) and let them help you help yourself.
New Leather/Levi Club: Trident International Minnesota
GRAPHIC: Trident International Minnesota logo
The Twin Cities has a new leather/levi club. Trident International Minnesota is the thirteenth branch of Trident International, which was formed in 1973 at the Neptune Bar in Montreal. According to club president Scott Anderson, “We’re a new club with an old-guard attitude.” Their club motto: “Give a damn.” Trident International Minnesota currently has twelve full members and four associate members, but they’re looking to recruit more (both men and women).
The club held their first event on Sunday, April 30 and raised over $450 for the Leather Archives & Museum in Chicago. B.D. Chambers of the Atons was on bootblack duty and Arden of the Regis was doing buzzcuts. Entertainment was by local rock group All The Pretty Horses. Many other fundraising events are planned with an emphasis on children with AIDS, other AIDS charities, and cancer research. For more information visit their website at www.crosswinds.net/~tridentmn or e-mail them at tridentmn@hotmail.com.
International Mr. Leather Contest is May 26-29 (that’s next weekend!)
If you haven’t made your plans already, find out what kind of last-minute arrangements you can make by visiting www.imrl.com or calling (800) 545-6753.
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Sunday, May 28
Saloon Underwear Party
6-10 PM in The Saloon, 10 PM-closing in The Tank
If you’re not going to Chicago for IML, this is the place to be. A chance for the buff and the beautiful to mingle with leather studs and other tough guys. Dress code for The Tank has been modified for the evening: leather or underwear.
Welcome to the leatherwomen and leathermen attending the Knights of Leather Tournament 12 Run. Play safe and have a great weekend!
I was recently invited to speak about leather and BDSM sex to a Twin Cities-based group of GLBT mental-health providers. I shared speaking duties with Noelle Hogan, and together we demystified leather and BDSM for the many therapists and other mental-health professionals who attended the meeting. (Some of those therapists also helped in demystifing and explaining the leather/BDSM community to their peers.)
The fact that mental health was the topic of the day fit in perfectly with the “sane” component of the community’s “Safe, Sane, Consensual” mantra. A therapist needs to be able to judge if a client’s behavior is sane or not. But if a therapist’s shame, personal prejudice, or ignorance about leather/BDSM interferes with that judgment, they may not be helping their client in the most effective way.
We talked about the leather community’s view that leathersex done right, and for the right reasons, is healthy and heightened sexuality and also heightened and healthy intimacy. Done wrong or for the wrong reasons it’s not healthy and it’s not BDSM, it’s abuse. How can a therapist tell which is which? How can their clients? How can you?
Here’s one example from the seminar. One member of the group asked about knife play and cutting—how could that be considered sane? (The same question could be asked by the uninitiated about almost any common dungeon activity.) I answered that it’s sometimes necessary to look at the motivation behind the action.
Some people are into cutting and scarification for ritual value in much the same way that other people get tattoos or piercings. The cutting, tattooing, or piercing is the ritual that the person is using to mark an event in their lives, and the body jewelry, tattoo or scar is the lasting reminder of the ritual.
In this context, what’s the difference between a nipple ring and a wedding ring? People might do body modification for healthy or unhealthy reasons, and people get married for healthy or unhealthy reasons. A little (or a lot) of investigative work will shed light on the reasons behind people’s actions, and a therapist can then make an evaluation of whether the motivations are healthy or unhealthy. (Yes, I know, I’m making it sound a lot simpler than it usually is.)
Here’s another cutting scenario that shows a completely different motivation: a teenage girl, alone in her room, takes a razor blade and slowly, deliberately, makes cuts in her arm. She watches, fascinated, as the blood trickles out of the cuts. This isn’t the first time she’s done this—it’s becoming a habit, and her parents are worried. When the therapist asks her why she does it, her unemotional reply is simply this: “Because I feel the pain, and I see the blood flow, and I know I’m alive.”
This is not BDSM. This is self-mutilation, and it’s more common than you might think. This is the desperate cry of a tortured soul in real pain. The parents are right to be worried, and the patient and therapist have a lot of work ahead of them.
What’s the difference between BDSM and abuse? Look at the motivations behind the actions, and the feelings that come from the actions. Here are some questions to ask about a situation to help clarify whether it’s healthy or unhealthy.
How do you feel while it’s happening? Whether topping or bottoming, BDSM sex will feel good; while engaging in it you may feel buoyant and exhilarated or you may feel relaxed, dreamy, and euphoric. You should feel loved and respected. Abuse will not feel good; you may feel anywhere from slightly ridiculous to somewhat uneasy to terrified, panic-stricken and frightened. You may feel used and objectified or you may feel anger and rage. Honor your feelings and what they’re telling you. If you feel a mixture of both good and bad, try to determine where the bad feelings are coming from—they’re trying to tell you something important.
How do you feel after it’s over? Warm, satisfied, giggly, contented, euphoric, glowing, cared for—in other words, happy? Has your life been enhanced? Or do you feel bad—hurt, used, angry, abandoned, sad, denigrated, disrespected? Do you feel like you’ve just been raped, punished, abused or violated? Do you want revenge? Are you feeling a mixture of good and bad feelings? Again, pay attention to what your feelings are telling you.
What feelings are your BDSM experiences reinforcing—good ones or bad ones? If your BDSM experiences enrich and enhance your life, don’t feel you need to apologize to a therapist (or anyone else) for being kinky. But if you feel you need to be punished, beaten up, or hurt—if your BDSM experiences are feeding feelings of self-hate or low self-esteem—that’s not a healthy reason to engage in BDSM. Nor is it healthy if you feel a need to go out occasionally and find a willing punching bag on whom you can vent your frustrations. In either case you are skating on the kind of thin ice where anger is in control and people get hurt as a result. That most definitely is neither safe nor sane. Run, do not walk, to your nearest GLBT-friendly and kink-friendly therapist (aren’t we lucky to live where there actually are such people?) and let them help you help yourself.
New Leather/Levi Club: Trident International Minnesota
GRAPHIC: Trident International Minnesota logo
The Twin Cities has a new leather/levi club. Trident International Minnesota is the thirteenth branch of Trident International, which was formed in 1973 at the Neptune Bar in Montreal. According to club president Scott Anderson, “We’re a new club with an old-guard attitude.” Their club motto: “Give a damn.” Trident International Minnesota currently has twelve full members and four associate members, but they’re looking to recruit more (both men and women).
The club held their first event on Sunday, April 30 and raised over $450 for the Leather Archives & Museum in Chicago. B.D. Chambers of the Atons was on bootblack duty and Arden of the Regis was doing buzzcuts. Entertainment was by local rock group All The Pretty Horses. Many other fundraising events are planned with an emphasis on children with AIDS, other AIDS charities, and cancer research. For more information visit their website at www.crosswinds.net/~tridentmn or e-mail them at tridentmn@hotmail.com.
International Mr. Leather Contest is May 26-29 (that’s next weekend!)
If you haven’t made your plans already, find out what kind of last-minute arrangements you can make by visiting www.imrl.com or calling (800) 545-6753.
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Sunday, May 28
Saloon Underwear Party
6-10 PM in The Saloon, 10 PM-closing in The Tank
If you’re not going to Chicago for IML, this is the place to be. A chance for the buff and the beautiful to mingle with leather studs and other tough guys. Dress code for The Tank has been modified for the evening: leather or underwear.
Friday, May 5, 2000
Queer Youth Exist: A Youth-BDSM Group
(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #129, May 5, 2000)
If you’re an adult who wants to find out more about the leather/BDSM/fetish community, there are all kinds of groups and other resources available to you. But what if the law says you’re not yet an adult? You’re pretty much out of luck, because most of those resources and groups are off-limits to minors. But many young people are curious about the scene, whether society and the law like to admit it or not. Now there’s a community resource just for them—the first of its kind, right here in Minneapolis. And here’s the kicker: It was created by two high-school students as their Girl Scout Gold Award project.
Queer Youth Exist is an education and safety group for youth under the age of 21 who have an interest in BDSM, fetishism, or any queer or alternative culture. It’s not necessarily exclusively GLBT, but it meets every Wednesday from 6 to 8 PM at District 202, the local GLBT youth center. The aim of the group’s founders is to create a confidential and safe forum for anyone, any gender, any orientation, under age 21 to discuss and explore BDSM and fetishism issues safely. Other related discussion topics have included safe sex and safe dating, meeting people on-line, and even sugar daddies. The group has been meeting since last November and has been an open discussion group, although plans call for bringing in guest speakers and even renting movies to watch and discuss.
The group was created by two high-school students, Hedge (a senior) and Katza (a junior). Both are also Girl Scouts (Hedge has been a Girl Scout for 13 years), and this is their Girl Scout Gold Award project. A Gold Award is the highest honor for a Girl Scout—the equivalent of becoming an Eagle Scout in Boy Scouts, although Hedge pointed out that “actually, the Gold Award is harder because there are more restrictions on the type of project.” There are proposals to be made, interviews about the proposal, and a review process with lots of paperwork. So the local Girl Scout council knows about this project and is supportive of it.
This special BDSM group for youth has evolved because other BSDM groups are for those over age 18, and most are for those over age 21. According to Katza, “This avoids legal problems like statutory rape and corruption of minors, and also means these groups don’t have to deal with angry parents and the Christian Coalition.” She goes on to point out another reason for excluding youth from these groups: “Sometimes young people can be obnoxious. People don’t necessarily want high-school students coming to their events and making Beavis and Butthead jokes. A lot of people have told me that they don’t have enough faith in the maturity of under-21s to invite them to events. We’re trying to make youth be less of a threat to the adult community—to say to the adult community that we know what we’re doing, we know what a safeword is, we know about safe-sane-consensual sex and we know how to act appropriately.”
Both Hedge and Katza see a great deal of interest in BDSM and fetish culture among fellow young people. According to Katza, “They’re attracted to the young goth BDSM culture—to the shiny clothes, attractive people, great music and club nights. It’s a fun culture and people want to be part of it even if they don’t practice BDSM. They want to separate themselves from the Abercrombie & Fitch jock crowd—they want to be with older people who are in their culture scene.”
But excluding youth from the BDSM scene leaves young people out on their own, which means they may explore BDSM in ways that are dangerous both emotionally and physically. They pretend they’re older than they are and they pretend to know more than they really do. Katza again: “Most kids get into bars with a fake ID. You may come from a conservative home and go to a high school where there’s no sexuality or really lame sexuality. And all of a sudden you’re in a room with great music, beautiful people, corsets and spikes, and you get overloaded.
“And people assume you’re one of them, and you think, ‘Well, I’m gonna be one of them—I’m gonna pack as much into it as I can, I’m going to drink a lot and smoke a lot and hit on every cute girl in a corset I see.’ And if somebody hits on them and asks them their age, a lot of them won’t be honest and say they’re underage, they’ll lie, and that can lead to all kinds of dangerous situations. None of that is appropriate behavior for any of us. The hope is that a group like Queer Youth Exist will make the scene more accessible and offer a saner, more sensibly-paced introduction.” In Hedge’s opinion, “I think it’s kind of sick that our culture is willing to let people sit in ignorance about anything—if people are going to do it anyway, they might as well do it safely.”
Queer Youth Exist meetings tend to focus less on physical sexuality and more on BDSM as being an extension of the psyche, trying to balance itself and find an equilibrium. This balancing can be especially important for young people going through turbulent times. Katza: “Teens who are bullies often feel a need to submit, and they can’t submit to their peers because it would be breaking their role. Often they’re the ones who go to unsafe adults—they don’t think about whether it’s safe or not, they simply know that this person is going to dominate them. Other young people, who are very often ‘good kids’ or who are very submissive and don’t have a lot of power, may want a chance to dominate. BDSM power play, if it’s discussed and it’s safe, can be a very efficient way to get back in balance mentally.” “And,” says Hedge, “it’s less expensive than a psychologist.” (Hedge goes on to stress that Queer Youth Exist is a support group, not a therapy group; if necessary, Queer Youth Exist and District 202 will refer people to a qualified and supportive psychologist.)
Youth is a time of raging hormones which can make everything seem connected to sex in one way or another. But Queer Youth Exist encourages youth interested in BDSM to experiment with power play before physical play. According to Katza, “Something as simple as having a conversation in master/sub format can be a safe way to get comfortable with BDSM concepts and roles, rather than just going straight to the sex. I think a lot of teens want to get straight to the sex because it’s such a taboo issue that they don’t want to talk about it, they just want to do it and keep quiet about it. But I think we put the emphasis on psychological, and then you move it into sexual as your personal desires, needs, and safety suggest.”
What about BDSM relationships between a minor and an adult? For much of society, this is a bombshell question. But according to Katza, “Most of the outright queer kids I know are very intelligent, very individually-assertive people. To be able to come out and say that they’re queer, they’ve had to put a lot of thought into it. They’re well-developed mentally—they’re curious, open-minded people, and often they’re attracted to people whose minds are developed. Often they’re attracted to adults—not necessarily middle-aged or the age of their parents, but more likely between the ages of 18 and 26.” Hedge points out that this is a daunting issue even for vanilla GLBT kids, “but then you throw BDSM into the picture and people run screaming.”
There are legal and emotional considerations to deal with here. Young people need to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy ways of relating to someone older, but there’s a difference between age and maturity that both Hedge and Katza feel the law doesn’t recognize. “We try to say, in our society, when somebody turns 18 they’re mature, and before that they’re not.” Katza: “My mother told me I couldn’t be gay until I was 21. And it’s like, so, when I’m 21, I’m going to awaken and say ‘At last—now I’m mature enough to sleep with girls!’ If a young person is in a relationship that can’t be talked about, it’s less safe. If you can talk openly about a relationship with an older person without fear of getting them arrested, you’re going to be a lot safer in the relationship.”
Romantic or BDSM-play relationships aside, kids interested in the BDSM community look to adult members of that community for support and mentorship, and Queer Youth Exist has benefited from assistance and encouragement from members of adult BDSM groups both locally and from around the country. A frequent reaction from adults who hear about this group is, “Why wasn’t this around when I was their age?” Even twenty-five-year-olds have written Hedge and Katza and said they wished they could be in the group because they need the information. Says Hedge, “It’s great to know we have this much support from the community, that we’re not delusional and just making up the need for this, and I hope we start a domino effect by inspiring other groups like this in other places.”
Mark Your Calendar and Make Your Reservations
Knights of Leather Tournament 12 Run. May 19-21.
International Mr. Leather Contest, Chicago. May 26-29 (Memorial Day Weekend). FFI: www.imrl.com or (800) 545-6753.
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Saturday, May 6
Atons Road Trip/Bar Night: Des Moines
At the Blazing Saddle Barr
Travel to Des Moines with the Atons; while you’re there you’ll also meet members of the Cornhaulers leather club of Des Moines and LEO (Leather Engineers of Omaha). FFI: www.atons.com.
If you’re an adult who wants to find out more about the leather/BDSM/fetish community, there are all kinds of groups and other resources available to you. But what if the law says you’re not yet an adult? You’re pretty much out of luck, because most of those resources and groups are off-limits to minors. But many young people are curious about the scene, whether society and the law like to admit it or not. Now there’s a community resource just for them—the first of its kind, right here in Minneapolis. And here’s the kicker: It was created by two high-school students as their Girl Scout Gold Award project.
Queer Youth Exist is an education and safety group for youth under the age of 21 who have an interest in BDSM, fetishism, or any queer or alternative culture. It’s not necessarily exclusively GLBT, but it meets every Wednesday from 6 to 8 PM at District 202, the local GLBT youth center. The aim of the group’s founders is to create a confidential and safe forum for anyone, any gender, any orientation, under age 21 to discuss and explore BDSM and fetishism issues safely. Other related discussion topics have included safe sex and safe dating, meeting people on-line, and even sugar daddies. The group has been meeting since last November and has been an open discussion group, although plans call for bringing in guest speakers and even renting movies to watch and discuss.
The group was created by two high-school students, Hedge (a senior) and Katza (a junior). Both are also Girl Scouts (Hedge has been a Girl Scout for 13 years), and this is their Girl Scout Gold Award project. A Gold Award is the highest honor for a Girl Scout—the equivalent of becoming an Eagle Scout in Boy Scouts, although Hedge pointed out that “actually, the Gold Award is harder because there are more restrictions on the type of project.” There are proposals to be made, interviews about the proposal, and a review process with lots of paperwork. So the local Girl Scout council knows about this project and is supportive of it.
This special BDSM group for youth has evolved because other BSDM groups are for those over age 18, and most are for those over age 21. According to Katza, “This avoids legal problems like statutory rape and corruption of minors, and also means these groups don’t have to deal with angry parents and the Christian Coalition.” She goes on to point out another reason for excluding youth from these groups: “Sometimes young people can be obnoxious. People don’t necessarily want high-school students coming to their events and making Beavis and Butthead jokes. A lot of people have told me that they don’t have enough faith in the maturity of under-21s to invite them to events. We’re trying to make youth be less of a threat to the adult community—to say to the adult community that we know what we’re doing, we know what a safeword is, we know about safe-sane-consensual sex and we know how to act appropriately.”
Both Hedge and Katza see a great deal of interest in BDSM and fetish culture among fellow young people. According to Katza, “They’re attracted to the young goth BDSM culture—to the shiny clothes, attractive people, great music and club nights. It’s a fun culture and people want to be part of it even if they don’t practice BDSM. They want to separate themselves from the Abercrombie & Fitch jock crowd—they want to be with older people who are in their culture scene.”
But excluding youth from the BDSM scene leaves young people out on their own, which means they may explore BDSM in ways that are dangerous both emotionally and physically. They pretend they’re older than they are and they pretend to know more than they really do. Katza again: “Most kids get into bars with a fake ID. You may come from a conservative home and go to a high school where there’s no sexuality or really lame sexuality. And all of a sudden you’re in a room with great music, beautiful people, corsets and spikes, and you get overloaded.
“And people assume you’re one of them, and you think, ‘Well, I’m gonna be one of them—I’m gonna pack as much into it as I can, I’m going to drink a lot and smoke a lot and hit on every cute girl in a corset I see.’ And if somebody hits on them and asks them their age, a lot of them won’t be honest and say they’re underage, they’ll lie, and that can lead to all kinds of dangerous situations. None of that is appropriate behavior for any of us. The hope is that a group like Queer Youth Exist will make the scene more accessible and offer a saner, more sensibly-paced introduction.” In Hedge’s opinion, “I think it’s kind of sick that our culture is willing to let people sit in ignorance about anything—if people are going to do it anyway, they might as well do it safely.”
Queer Youth Exist meetings tend to focus less on physical sexuality and more on BDSM as being an extension of the psyche, trying to balance itself and find an equilibrium. This balancing can be especially important for young people going through turbulent times. Katza: “Teens who are bullies often feel a need to submit, and they can’t submit to their peers because it would be breaking their role. Often they’re the ones who go to unsafe adults—they don’t think about whether it’s safe or not, they simply know that this person is going to dominate them. Other young people, who are very often ‘good kids’ or who are very submissive and don’t have a lot of power, may want a chance to dominate. BDSM power play, if it’s discussed and it’s safe, can be a very efficient way to get back in balance mentally.” “And,” says Hedge, “it’s less expensive than a psychologist.” (Hedge goes on to stress that Queer Youth Exist is a support group, not a therapy group; if necessary, Queer Youth Exist and District 202 will refer people to a qualified and supportive psychologist.)
Youth is a time of raging hormones which can make everything seem connected to sex in one way or another. But Queer Youth Exist encourages youth interested in BDSM to experiment with power play before physical play. According to Katza, “Something as simple as having a conversation in master/sub format can be a safe way to get comfortable with BDSM concepts and roles, rather than just going straight to the sex. I think a lot of teens want to get straight to the sex because it’s such a taboo issue that they don’t want to talk about it, they just want to do it and keep quiet about it. But I think we put the emphasis on psychological, and then you move it into sexual as your personal desires, needs, and safety suggest.”
What about BDSM relationships between a minor and an adult? For much of society, this is a bombshell question. But according to Katza, “Most of the outright queer kids I know are very intelligent, very individually-assertive people. To be able to come out and say that they’re queer, they’ve had to put a lot of thought into it. They’re well-developed mentally—they’re curious, open-minded people, and often they’re attracted to people whose minds are developed. Often they’re attracted to adults—not necessarily middle-aged or the age of their parents, but more likely between the ages of 18 and 26.” Hedge points out that this is a daunting issue even for vanilla GLBT kids, “but then you throw BDSM into the picture and people run screaming.”
There are legal and emotional considerations to deal with here. Young people need to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy ways of relating to someone older, but there’s a difference between age and maturity that both Hedge and Katza feel the law doesn’t recognize. “We try to say, in our society, when somebody turns 18 they’re mature, and before that they’re not.” Katza: “My mother told me I couldn’t be gay until I was 21. And it’s like, so, when I’m 21, I’m going to awaken and say ‘At last—now I’m mature enough to sleep with girls!’ If a young person is in a relationship that can’t be talked about, it’s less safe. If you can talk openly about a relationship with an older person without fear of getting them arrested, you’re going to be a lot safer in the relationship.”
Romantic or BDSM-play relationships aside, kids interested in the BDSM community look to adult members of that community for support and mentorship, and Queer Youth Exist has benefited from assistance and encouragement from members of adult BDSM groups both locally and from around the country. A frequent reaction from adults who hear about this group is, “Why wasn’t this around when I was their age?” Even twenty-five-year-olds have written Hedge and Katza and said they wished they could be in the group because they need the information. Says Hedge, “It’s great to know we have this much support from the community, that we’re not delusional and just making up the need for this, and I hope we start a domino effect by inspiring other groups like this in other places.”
Mark Your Calendar and Make Your Reservations
Knights of Leather Tournament 12 Run. May 19-21.
International Mr. Leather Contest, Chicago. May 26-29 (Memorial Day Weekend). FFI: www.imrl.com or (800) 545-6753.
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Saturday, May 6
Atons Road Trip/Bar Night: Des Moines
At the Blazing Saddle Barr
Travel to Des Moines with the Atons; while you’re there you’ll also meet members of the Cornhaulers leather club of Des Moines and LEO (Leather Engineers of Omaha). FFI: www.atons.com.
Friday, April 21, 2000
Poppers: What You Need To Know About The Little Brown Bottle
(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #128, April 21, 2000)
This issue’s column is not just for the leather/SM community, and it’s not just for guys. It’s for anyone—of any gender—who uses poppers. For the uninitiated, the name “poppers” refers to any of several nitrite chemicals which cause a “rush” when inhaled. Amyl nitrate is the oldest and was first developed for relief from angina (heart pain). It is a clear golden liquid usually sold in a cloth-covered glass capsule; when the capsule is crushed (or popped, which is where “poppers” comes from), the liquid soaks into the cloth and the vapors are inhaled. Since 1979 amyl nitrate has been legally available only with a doctor’s prescription.
Why do poppers do what they do? They’re vasodilators, which means they cause blood vessels to enlarge and make the heart beat faster, sending large amounts of blood and oxygen rushing through the heart and brain. That euphoric “rush” feeling comes on quickly and only lasts a few minutes. Poppers also relax smooth muscle tissue, and some people use them during anal sex to relax their anal sphincter.
When amyl nitrate became a controlled substance, recreational users switched to butyl nitrate or one of several other related nitrite chemicals. These are sold in small brown glass bottles under such names as “Rush,” “Locker Room,” “Aroma of Man” or “Pig Sweat.” These chemicals get around controlled-substances laws by clever labeling—you’re not buying an inhaled stimulant, you’re buying something else like “liquid incense,” a “room odorizer,” “video head cleaner,” or the latest ruse: “polish remover.” That allows it to be sold even though both buyer and seller know that it won’t be used as an Airwick substitute and that you haven’t had polish on your nails since Halloween in 1987.
But “room odorizers” don’t require, and therefore don’t get, the kind of warning labels that would have to be attached if everyone could be upfront about what was being sold, and the way in which it was being used. This column does not advocate drug abuse, but it also doesn’t advocate ignorance, so here’s what those warning labels would say if they could:
“Contents are Highly Flammable. Do not use around open flame.” Movie buffs may remember that movie film was originally nitrate-based and had a penchant for bursting into flames for no apparent reason. Nitrates are also used in dynamite and other explosives. Poppers, which are also nitrates, evaporate very quickly and the vapors are very flammable. So if you’re using poppers, don’t have candles or incense burning at the same time, no matter how romantic it is. Don’t use poppers in a basement dungeon that’s right next to the furnace or water heater. Don’t smoke tobacco, marijuana, or anything else while you’re using poppers. And, for heaven’s sake, don’t use them during a fireplay or hot-wax scene.
“Do not allow contact with skin. If contact occurs, wash off immediately. Do not swallow or inject.” Most people uncap the bottle of poppers and put it up to their nose to inhale the vapors, while other people inhale the vapors through their mouth. Either way, be careful not to spill the liquid or let it splash out of the bottle—it can cause a nasty chemical burn on skin and can do even worse damage on mucous membranes like the inside of your nose or mouth. It’s very toxic, so if it gets in your mouth, don’t swallow it, and don’t use it as an injectable drug.
“May cause headache, flushing of the face, decreased blood pressure, increased pulse rate, dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea, vomiting, fainting, slowed perception of time, coldness of the skin and swelling of the nasal passages. Long-term effects may include a rash around the nose, mouth, or cheeks. Discontinue use if any of these symptoms occur.
“Also discontinue use if the desired results are not achieved. Tolerance may build up over time, with heavy use putting a strain on the heart, possibly leading to circulatory collapse and death.
“Poppers increase pressure within the eyeball and therefore should not be used by anyone with glaucoma. Do not use poppers if you suffer from heart problems, high or low blood pressure, anemia, or breathing problems. There are some indications that poppers inhibit the immune system and should not be used by people with suppressed immune systems, but this has not been conclusively demonstrated.
“Do not use Viagra in combination with poppers (or with other prescription nitrate-based heart drugs). The combination can cause a fatal drop in blood pressure.” On the Web I found a letter to physicians from Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, discussing this issue. Here’s what it says: “Although we have not specifically studied this, we believe that nitrates that are inhaled for recreational use (including amyl nitrate/nitrite or “poppers” and others) will have the same effect [as has been observed with prescription nitrite drugs] when combined with Viagra.” And this warning doesn’t apply only to men—the letter goes on to say “In addition, although Viagra is only FDA approved for the treatment of male erectile dysfunction, we are aware that women have started taking it, either on their own or via an off-label prescription from a physician. Therefore, although the scenarios described above would be more likely to occur in men, if such off-label use continues, they could also occur in women.” One final ironic note: Poppers may have a reputation for enhancing orgasm, but because they dilate blood vessels and decrease blood pressure they can actually be the cause of the “erectile dysfunction” that the Viagra is supposed to fix.
Finally, here’s what the 1999 Minnesota Statutes say about poppers (chapter 609.684): In Subdivision 1 both amyl nitrate and butyl nitrate are defined as “toxic substances,” and Subdivision 3 says “A person is guilty of a misdemeanor who uses or possesses any toxic substance with the intent of inducing intoxication, excitement, or stupefaction of the central nervous system, except under the direction and supervision of a medical doctor. A person is guilty of a misdemeanor who intentionally aids another in violation of this subdivision.” So in case the dungeon is ever raided, just remember this alibi: “But Officer, I was only doing my nails!”
Mark Your Calendar and Make Your Reservations
Knights of Leather Tournament 12 Run. May 19-21.
International Mr. Leather Contest, Chicago. May 26-29 (Memorial Day Weekend). FFI: www.imrl.com or (800) 545-6753.
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Sunday, April 23
Atons Stuff Your Basket Party
6-10 pm, The Saloon
$50 bar tab for the winner of the best basket contest. Door prizes, free food and 75-cent tap beer & soda. FFI: www.atons.com.
Saturday, April 29
Atons Road Trip/Bar Night: Kansas City
At the new Dixie Belle bar
Travel to Kansas City with the Atons and check out the Dixie Belle’s new location. FFI: www.atons.com.
This issue’s column is not just for the leather/SM community, and it’s not just for guys. It’s for anyone—of any gender—who uses poppers. For the uninitiated, the name “poppers” refers to any of several nitrite chemicals which cause a “rush” when inhaled. Amyl nitrate is the oldest and was first developed for relief from angina (heart pain). It is a clear golden liquid usually sold in a cloth-covered glass capsule; when the capsule is crushed (or popped, which is where “poppers” comes from), the liquid soaks into the cloth and the vapors are inhaled. Since 1979 amyl nitrate has been legally available only with a doctor’s prescription.
Why do poppers do what they do? They’re vasodilators, which means they cause blood vessels to enlarge and make the heart beat faster, sending large amounts of blood and oxygen rushing through the heart and brain. That euphoric “rush” feeling comes on quickly and only lasts a few minutes. Poppers also relax smooth muscle tissue, and some people use them during anal sex to relax their anal sphincter.
When amyl nitrate became a controlled substance, recreational users switched to butyl nitrate or one of several other related nitrite chemicals. These are sold in small brown glass bottles under such names as “Rush,” “Locker Room,” “Aroma of Man” or “Pig Sweat.” These chemicals get around controlled-substances laws by clever labeling—you’re not buying an inhaled stimulant, you’re buying something else like “liquid incense,” a “room odorizer,” “video head cleaner,” or the latest ruse: “polish remover.” That allows it to be sold even though both buyer and seller know that it won’t be used as an Airwick substitute and that you haven’t had polish on your nails since Halloween in 1987.
But “room odorizers” don’t require, and therefore don’t get, the kind of warning labels that would have to be attached if everyone could be upfront about what was being sold, and the way in which it was being used. This column does not advocate drug abuse, but it also doesn’t advocate ignorance, so here’s what those warning labels would say if they could:
“Contents are Highly Flammable. Do not use around open flame.” Movie buffs may remember that movie film was originally nitrate-based and had a penchant for bursting into flames for no apparent reason. Nitrates are also used in dynamite and other explosives. Poppers, which are also nitrates, evaporate very quickly and the vapors are very flammable. So if you’re using poppers, don’t have candles or incense burning at the same time, no matter how romantic it is. Don’t use poppers in a basement dungeon that’s right next to the furnace or water heater. Don’t smoke tobacco, marijuana, or anything else while you’re using poppers. And, for heaven’s sake, don’t use them during a fireplay or hot-wax scene.
“Do not allow contact with skin. If contact occurs, wash off immediately. Do not swallow or inject.” Most people uncap the bottle of poppers and put it up to their nose to inhale the vapors, while other people inhale the vapors through their mouth. Either way, be careful not to spill the liquid or let it splash out of the bottle—it can cause a nasty chemical burn on skin and can do even worse damage on mucous membranes like the inside of your nose or mouth. It’s very toxic, so if it gets in your mouth, don’t swallow it, and don’t use it as an injectable drug.
“May cause headache, flushing of the face, decreased blood pressure, increased pulse rate, dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea, vomiting, fainting, slowed perception of time, coldness of the skin and swelling of the nasal passages. Long-term effects may include a rash around the nose, mouth, or cheeks. Discontinue use if any of these symptoms occur.
“Also discontinue use if the desired results are not achieved. Tolerance may build up over time, with heavy use putting a strain on the heart, possibly leading to circulatory collapse and death.
“Poppers increase pressure within the eyeball and therefore should not be used by anyone with glaucoma. Do not use poppers if you suffer from heart problems, high or low blood pressure, anemia, or breathing problems. There are some indications that poppers inhibit the immune system and should not be used by people with suppressed immune systems, but this has not been conclusively demonstrated.
“Do not use Viagra in combination with poppers (or with other prescription nitrate-based heart drugs). The combination can cause a fatal drop in blood pressure.” On the Web I found a letter to physicians from Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, discussing this issue. Here’s what it says: “Although we have not specifically studied this, we believe that nitrates that are inhaled for recreational use (including amyl nitrate/nitrite or “poppers” and others) will have the same effect [as has been observed with prescription nitrite drugs] when combined with Viagra.” And this warning doesn’t apply only to men—the letter goes on to say “In addition, although Viagra is only FDA approved for the treatment of male erectile dysfunction, we are aware that women have started taking it, either on their own or via an off-label prescription from a physician. Therefore, although the scenarios described above would be more likely to occur in men, if such off-label use continues, they could also occur in women.” One final ironic note: Poppers may have a reputation for enhancing orgasm, but because they dilate blood vessels and decrease blood pressure they can actually be the cause of the “erectile dysfunction” that the Viagra is supposed to fix.
Finally, here’s what the 1999 Minnesota Statutes say about poppers (chapter 609.684): In Subdivision 1 both amyl nitrate and butyl nitrate are defined as “toxic substances,” and Subdivision 3 says “A person is guilty of a misdemeanor who uses or possesses any toxic substance with the intent of inducing intoxication, excitement, or stupefaction of the central nervous system, except under the direction and supervision of a medical doctor. A person is guilty of a misdemeanor who intentionally aids another in violation of this subdivision.” So in case the dungeon is ever raided, just remember this alibi: “But Officer, I was only doing my nails!”
Mark Your Calendar and Make Your Reservations
Knights of Leather Tournament 12 Run. May 19-21.
International Mr. Leather Contest, Chicago. May 26-29 (Memorial Day Weekend). FFI: www.imrl.com or (800) 545-6753.
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Sunday, April 23
Atons Stuff Your Basket Party
6-10 pm, The Saloon
$50 bar tab for the winner of the best basket contest. Door prizes, free food and 75-cent tap beer & soda. FFI: www.atons.com.
Saturday, April 29
Atons Road Trip/Bar Night: Kansas City
At the new Dixie Belle bar
Travel to Kansas City with the Atons and check out the Dixie Belle’s new location. FFI: www.atons.com.
Friday, April 7, 2000
Trust, Consent, Intimacy—and Rape
(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #127, April 7, 2000)
Regular readers of this column, and anyone who’s hung around the leather/SM scene for any length of time, knows the community’s motto regarding SM sex is “safe, sane, consensual.” Today let’s talk about the third part of that mantra—the dynamics of consensuality and nonconsensuality.
Consent is not just for those in the SM community. All sex and all intimacy is based on consent, and that consent is based on trust. In an SM setting, if trust is violated and non-consensual things happen, it’s no longer “safe, sane, consensual” SM—it crosses the line and becomes abuse, or even rape. Intimacy implies vulnerability, and SM is an experience of both hyper-intimacy and hyper-vulnerability. Abusers and rapists take advantage of that vulnerability.
Consent, Trust, and Communication
Consent comes from trust, and trust is maintained through communication. Good communication is essential to any kind of scene or intimacy. Communication is necessary before a scene starts to establish consent on the part of all participants, and to define everyone’s boundaries. Communication is also necessary during the scene to keep it on track.
The leather/SM community has evolved a form of communication known as the “safeword”—when any participant in a scene speaks a safeword, the action instantly stops. Participants in a scene can agree on whatever safewords they want to use, but one of the most universal safeword schemes is modeled on traffic light colors: “green” means everything is okay, keep going; “yellow” means slow down a bit or lighten up; and “red” means stop everything right now. In addition, it’s usually a good idea to keep in mind the ultimate safewords: “No” means NO, and “Stop” means STOP.
Safewords are one way of communicating during a scene, but they aren’t the only way. Communication during a scene may take many forms: verbal, physical gestures, eye contact, or body language, to name a few. Obviously, if a bottom is blindfolded and gagged, the top won’t be able to get any information from their eyes and the bottom’s voice won’t be able to be used for much more than muffled moans. If the bottom is in bondage and completely immobilized they can’t gesture very effectively. Fit the safeword to the scene, remembering that it may not always be a spoken “word.”
Once a safeword has been established, take it seriously. Don’t use it if you don’t mean it. Don’t use it in a confusing manner—don’t say “red” and giggle, for instance. If you hear your partner use a safeword, the safest thing to do is bring the action to a halt immediately. Then check in with your partner and see what’s going on. Maybe the action will start up again, maybe it won’t. But don’t take chances.
Why does communication in a scene break down? 1) At least one person stops sending clear communications and instead starts sending confusing signals and mixed messages. Or they may stop communicating altogether. 2) At least one person stops paying attention to the signals the other person is sending. Whether I am top or bottom in a scene, it behooves me to send clear communications and to pay close attention to what my partner is telling me. A breakdown in communication interferes with the safe, sane, consensual nature of a scene and opens the door to an abusive situation.
Staying Out Of Trouble
Obviously, no one wants to find themselves in an abusive or rape situation, but it’s not always possible to detect an abuser beforehand. They may wear leather and practice SM, or they may not. Abusers may be someone you’ve never met before but find very attractive, they may be someone you think you know well, or they may be a well-known community leader. They may be sweet—except when they’re drunk or high. Or they may not need a chemical assist to bring out their abusive qualities. As I’ve said before in this column, a jerk wearing leather is still a jerk. Trust your gut—if something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.
Also as I’ve said before in this column, it never hurts to check references. If you’re considering doing something with someone, but you’re a beginner and people tell you this person plays pretty hard, maybe it’s not a good match. What seems like a hard blow to you may only be their warming-up strokes.
When things go wrong
Okay, you’ve set up the scene beforehand—you’ve both agreed on what you expect, what your limits are, what each of you will and will not do. And then the scene starts, and something goes horribly wrong. You as bottom forbade the top to do something; now, in spite of your screams of protest, it’s happening anyway. Rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse—call it what you will, it’s happening to you. What do you do?
Or, say you’re topping someone and suddenly they freak. Things they agreed to before are now not okay. They may become violent. They may turn on you and start attacking you.
What do you do? You do what’s necessary to survive. Depending on the situation, you resist, you submit, you escape, you attract help, or you incapacitate your assailant. Follow your instincts, and know that if you survive, you made the right choice.
If you’re the top, you have the power and also the responsibility to bring the scene to a grinding halt, and to do whatever is necessary for the physical and psychological well-being of the bottom—as long as doing so doesn’t threaten your own physical and psychological well-being. If the bottom is attacking you, see the previous paragraph.
According to Scott Bartell, LICSW with Family & Children’s Service of Minneapolis, “Your physical and spiritual survival justifies doing whatever you need to do in a sexual-abuse situation. Your actions may need to be passive-aggressive, duplicitous, or even violent. You need to get out of the situation, and then get professional help for trauma survival.” Both your body and psyche have been assaulted and both need attention. Get medical care if necessary, and be honest with medical personnel about what happened and how it happened. And seek out a GLBT and kink-friendly counseling resource—you will need to do a lot of emotional processing to come to terms with what you’ve been through.
Leather Justice
Do you press charges? Do you name your abuser so they don’t do this to someone else? These are tricky questions, fraught with all sorts of uncertainties. The community depends on checking references and self-policing because we know from past experience that police and the judicial system tend not to be terribly sympathetic or understanding toward SM-related issues. But even in the leather/SM community, sometimes it’s the same as with heterosexual date-rape accusations: it’s your word against theirs. Since smear campaigns and witch-hunts are not unheard of, other people may take your accusations with a degree of skepticism until they’ve heard both sides of the argument.
Generally, though, when a community member doesn’t play by the rules, the word gets around—but unfortunately it usually takes a few people getting hurt before the message hits home and sticks. In the case of serious accusations, impromptu leather/SM community “courts” have been convened to hear the complaints and decide what action should be taken, up to and including censure and banishment from the community. At the very least, someone who is accused of non-consensual or abusive behavior will be under increased scrutiny by the rest of the community. They may eventually clear their name and reputation, or they may prove there were grounds for the original accusations. Or they may move, and the cycle may start all over again in another city’s leather/SM community.
One final point: these problems are not by any means exclusive to the leather/SM community or to any geographical area. All the concepts discussed here can be applied to other communities as well. It is an unfortunate fact that assault, abuse and rape happen in all communities—and all communities, leather/SM included, firmly state that assault, abuse and rape are not acceptable behaviors.
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Saturday, April 8
Atons Leather/Levi Night
Location and time to be determined
Call the Atons HotLine for more information and to make reservations. Information is also available at the club’s website: www.atons.com.
Saturday, April 15
Bizarre Bazaar & Silent Auction presented by MSDB
11 AM-6 PM (Auction until 5 PM), 501 First Ave. NE, Minneapolis
Discover all things erotic and exotic at the Bazaar! Buy or sell clothing, adornments, collectibles, toys, furniture . . . anything related to BDSM, fetish, leather, kink, and similar lifestyles. Music by Psycick Slutz. Silent Auction: All proceeds will go to a local charity benefiting the GLBT community. Successful bidders will be announced between 5:00 and 6:00 p.m. Kink and fetish attire welcome but your costume (or lack thereof) must be street legal. $4 in advance, $5 at the door. Advance tickets at Dreamhaven (912 West Lake St., Mpls.), Rainbow Road (109 West Grant St., Mpls.) or by mail using ticket order form from website. Presented by Minnesota Stocks, Debentures and Bonds (MSDB), a local pansexual BDSM/fetish group. For more information, including vendor and silent-auction donation details, visit www.msdb-mn.org.
Regular readers of this column, and anyone who’s hung around the leather/SM scene for any length of time, knows the community’s motto regarding SM sex is “safe, sane, consensual.” Today let’s talk about the third part of that mantra—the dynamics of consensuality and nonconsensuality.
Consent is not just for those in the SM community. All sex and all intimacy is based on consent, and that consent is based on trust. In an SM setting, if trust is violated and non-consensual things happen, it’s no longer “safe, sane, consensual” SM—it crosses the line and becomes abuse, or even rape. Intimacy implies vulnerability, and SM is an experience of both hyper-intimacy and hyper-vulnerability. Abusers and rapists take advantage of that vulnerability.
Consent, Trust, and Communication
Consent comes from trust, and trust is maintained through communication. Good communication is essential to any kind of scene or intimacy. Communication is necessary before a scene starts to establish consent on the part of all participants, and to define everyone’s boundaries. Communication is also necessary during the scene to keep it on track.
The leather/SM community has evolved a form of communication known as the “safeword”—when any participant in a scene speaks a safeword, the action instantly stops. Participants in a scene can agree on whatever safewords they want to use, but one of the most universal safeword schemes is modeled on traffic light colors: “green” means everything is okay, keep going; “yellow” means slow down a bit or lighten up; and “red” means stop everything right now. In addition, it’s usually a good idea to keep in mind the ultimate safewords: “No” means NO, and “Stop” means STOP.
Safewords are one way of communicating during a scene, but they aren’t the only way. Communication during a scene may take many forms: verbal, physical gestures, eye contact, or body language, to name a few. Obviously, if a bottom is blindfolded and gagged, the top won’t be able to get any information from their eyes and the bottom’s voice won’t be able to be used for much more than muffled moans. If the bottom is in bondage and completely immobilized they can’t gesture very effectively. Fit the safeword to the scene, remembering that it may not always be a spoken “word.”
Once a safeword has been established, take it seriously. Don’t use it if you don’t mean it. Don’t use it in a confusing manner—don’t say “red” and giggle, for instance. If you hear your partner use a safeword, the safest thing to do is bring the action to a halt immediately. Then check in with your partner and see what’s going on. Maybe the action will start up again, maybe it won’t. But don’t take chances.
Why does communication in a scene break down? 1) At least one person stops sending clear communications and instead starts sending confusing signals and mixed messages. Or they may stop communicating altogether. 2) At least one person stops paying attention to the signals the other person is sending. Whether I am top or bottom in a scene, it behooves me to send clear communications and to pay close attention to what my partner is telling me. A breakdown in communication interferes with the safe, sane, consensual nature of a scene and opens the door to an abusive situation.
Staying Out Of Trouble
Obviously, no one wants to find themselves in an abusive or rape situation, but it’s not always possible to detect an abuser beforehand. They may wear leather and practice SM, or they may not. Abusers may be someone you’ve never met before but find very attractive, they may be someone you think you know well, or they may be a well-known community leader. They may be sweet—except when they’re drunk or high. Or they may not need a chemical assist to bring out their abusive qualities. As I’ve said before in this column, a jerk wearing leather is still a jerk. Trust your gut—if something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.
Also as I’ve said before in this column, it never hurts to check references. If you’re considering doing something with someone, but you’re a beginner and people tell you this person plays pretty hard, maybe it’s not a good match. What seems like a hard blow to you may only be their warming-up strokes.
When things go wrong
Okay, you’ve set up the scene beforehand—you’ve both agreed on what you expect, what your limits are, what each of you will and will not do. And then the scene starts, and something goes horribly wrong. You as bottom forbade the top to do something; now, in spite of your screams of protest, it’s happening anyway. Rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse—call it what you will, it’s happening to you. What do you do?
Or, say you’re topping someone and suddenly they freak. Things they agreed to before are now not okay. They may become violent. They may turn on you and start attacking you.
What do you do? You do what’s necessary to survive. Depending on the situation, you resist, you submit, you escape, you attract help, or you incapacitate your assailant. Follow your instincts, and know that if you survive, you made the right choice.
If you’re the top, you have the power and also the responsibility to bring the scene to a grinding halt, and to do whatever is necessary for the physical and psychological well-being of the bottom—as long as doing so doesn’t threaten your own physical and psychological well-being. If the bottom is attacking you, see the previous paragraph.
According to Scott Bartell, LICSW with Family & Children’s Service of Minneapolis, “Your physical and spiritual survival justifies doing whatever you need to do in a sexual-abuse situation. Your actions may need to be passive-aggressive, duplicitous, or even violent. You need to get out of the situation, and then get professional help for trauma survival.” Both your body and psyche have been assaulted and both need attention. Get medical care if necessary, and be honest with medical personnel about what happened and how it happened. And seek out a GLBT and kink-friendly counseling resource—you will need to do a lot of emotional processing to come to terms with what you’ve been through.
Leather Justice
Do you press charges? Do you name your abuser so they don’t do this to someone else? These are tricky questions, fraught with all sorts of uncertainties. The community depends on checking references and self-policing because we know from past experience that police and the judicial system tend not to be terribly sympathetic or understanding toward SM-related issues. But even in the leather/SM community, sometimes it’s the same as with heterosexual date-rape accusations: it’s your word against theirs. Since smear campaigns and witch-hunts are not unheard of, other people may take your accusations with a degree of skepticism until they’ve heard both sides of the argument.
Generally, though, when a community member doesn’t play by the rules, the word gets around—but unfortunately it usually takes a few people getting hurt before the message hits home and sticks. In the case of serious accusations, impromptu leather/SM community “courts” have been convened to hear the complaints and decide what action should be taken, up to and including censure and banishment from the community. At the very least, someone who is accused of non-consensual or abusive behavior will be under increased scrutiny by the rest of the community. They may eventually clear their name and reputation, or they may prove there were grounds for the original accusations. Or they may move, and the cycle may start all over again in another city’s leather/SM community.
One final point: these problems are not by any means exclusive to the leather/SM community or to any geographical area. All the concepts discussed here can be applied to other communities as well. It is an unfortunate fact that assault, abuse and rape happen in all communities—and all communities, leather/SM included, firmly state that assault, abuse and rape are not acceptable behaviors.
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Saturday, April 8
Atons Leather/Levi Night
Location and time to be determined
Call the Atons HotLine for more information and to make reservations. Information is also available at the club’s website: www.atons.com.
Saturday, April 15
Bizarre Bazaar & Silent Auction presented by MSDB
11 AM-6 PM (Auction until 5 PM), 501 First Ave. NE, Minneapolis
Discover all things erotic and exotic at the Bazaar! Buy or sell clothing, adornments, collectibles, toys, furniture . . . anything related to BDSM, fetish, leather, kink, and similar lifestyles. Music by Psycick Slutz. Silent Auction: All proceeds will go to a local charity benefiting the GLBT community. Successful bidders will be announced between 5:00 and 6:00 p.m. Kink and fetish attire welcome but your costume (or lack thereof) must be street legal. $4 in advance, $5 at the door. Advance tickets at Dreamhaven (912 West Lake St., Mpls.), Rainbow Road (109 West Grant St., Mpls.) or by mail using ticket order form from website. Presented by Minnesota Stocks, Debentures and Bonds (MSDB), a local pansexual BDSM/fetish group. For more information, including vendor and silent-auction donation details, visit www.msdb-mn.org.
Friday, March 24, 2000
David Coral wins Mr. Olympus Leather 2000 title
(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #126, March 24, 2000)
PHOTO: Left, Mr. Olympus Leather 2000 David Coral; right, Ms. Olympus Leather 2000 Joni.
It happened in New Orleans: Minnesota became home to yet another major leather titleholder. On Saturday, Feb. 26 Minneapolis resident David Coral (aka Jazz Thomas) won the men’s sash in the Mr./Ms. Olympus Leather 2000 contest. At the same time Cori Ander, Ms. Olympus Leather 1999 and also a Minneapolis resident, ended her title year and awarded a sash to her successor: Joni, the new Ms. Olympus Leather 2000 and a well-known member of the Atlanta fetish community. The Olympus Leather contest and titles differentiate themselves by representing and celebrating pansexual SM play.
Saturday night’s contest featured seven contestants (four for the Mr. title and three for the Ms.) and some very impressive and entertaining fantasy presentations. Ms. Minnesota Olympus Leather Hannah Miyamoto presented the first fantasy of the evening, a vampire-leatherdyke seduction scene based on a Mexican legend. Ms. Florida Olympus Leather Lady Cat’s fantasy took place on a plantation, and Joni’s breathtakingly sizzling and steamy fantasy started with corsetry and climaxed with flogging and fireplay.
The funniest fantasy of the evening belonged to Mr. Louisiana Olympus Leather Mark Anthony, who presented a boot-camp scene in which he turned the tables on his drill sergeant (who didn’t resist all that much). Mr. Georgia Olympus Leather boy kyle’s fantasy was a humorous portrayal of an office worker whose sole knowledge of SM practices came from surfing the internet after business hours.
Mr. Florida Olympus Leather Allen Grim’s paint-by-flogger fantasy held the crowd spellbound. After warming up Maryland Mr. Drummer Paul Bohli’s bare backside with a flogger, Grim covered Bohli’s back with black paint and pressed a blank canvas to it. Then he dipped three floggers in blue, white and red paint and flogged the paint onto Bohli, pressing the canvas to Bohli’s back after each color. (The four colors are the colors of the leather-pride flag.) The canvas was later auctioned off, with the proceeds going to charity. Grim will be at this year’s International Mr. Leather contest in Chicago and will be happy to make the same kind of painting of your backside.
David Coral’s fantasy was a 1940’s-era Havana nightclub dream sequence (choreographed to Santana’s “Smooth”) that featured rip-away clothing, hot-wax play and clothespin “zippers” for a finale. In addition to playing the main character Coral also directed a relatively large cast, all of whom performed exceptionally; the fantasy’s movement, staging, lighting and sound work were impeccable. This should come as no surprise: Coral is a professional actor who was last seen as Guildenstern in Theatre in the Round’s recent production of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead.
The Olympus Leather contest was part of the tenth annual Pantheon of Leather weekend held at Le Petit Theatre, located in the French Quarter in the heart of New Orleans. Each year Pantheon of Leather presents awards to leatherfolk around the world for distinguished community service and contributions to the leather/SM/fetish community and culture. This year 30 awards were handed out at the awards ceremony on Friday, Feb. 25—and, unlike last year, many of the award recipients were there in person to receive them. (Attendance in general for this year’s Pantheon/Olympus weekend was up 33% compared to last year’s event.)
Todd Leek is new Mr. Mpls. Eagle 2000
On Sunday, Feb. 27 (the same weekend that Pantheon/Olympus was happening in New Orleans) the Mr. Minneapolis Eagle 2000 contest was held in Minneapolis. The evening’s emcee was Minneapolis Eagle co-owner Greg Norton; judging the contest were International Mr. Leather 1997 Kevin Cwayna, Mr. Minnesota Olympus Leather 1998 B.D. Chambers, and Minneapolis Eagle co-owner Ed Hopkins. From a field of five contestants the judges selected Lonnell Callum as second runner-up, Robert Chatlos as first runner-up, and Todd Leek as the new Mr. Minneapolis Eagle 2000. Mr. Minneapolis Eagle 1999 Tim Forte was on hand to make a stepdown speech and present the sash to his successor.
The contest was structured along the lines of the International Mr. Leather contest. Contestants were interviewed privately by the judges before the contest; onstage judging events included a “keg walk” (the contestants traveled from one end of the bar to the other and back with an empty keg on their shoulder), an erotic reading, a 90-second speech on a leather topic, and answering a question on ageism.
Leek will go on to compete in the International Mr. Leather contest, taking place Memorial Day weekend in Chicago.
Mark Your Calendar: The Bizarre Bazaar
Discover all things erotic and exotic at the Bizarre Bazaar, presented in Minneapolis April 15 by Minnesota Stocks Debentures and Bonds (MSDB), a local pansexual BDSM/fetish group. Buy or sell clothing, adornments, collectibles, toys, furniture . . . anything related to BDSM, fetish, leather, kink, and similar lifestyles. There will be vendor displays and a silent auction benefiting a local charity (donations of auction items welcomed). For more details visit the MDSB website: www.mdsb-mn.org.
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Saturday, April 8
Atons Leather/Levi Night
Location and time to be determined
Call the Atons HotLine for more information and to make reservations. Information is also available at the club’s website: www.atons.com.
PHOTO: Left, Mr. Olympus Leather 2000 David Coral; right, Ms. Olympus Leather 2000 Joni.
It happened in New Orleans: Minnesota became home to yet another major leather titleholder. On Saturday, Feb. 26 Minneapolis resident David Coral (aka Jazz Thomas) won the men’s sash in the Mr./Ms. Olympus Leather 2000 contest. At the same time Cori Ander, Ms. Olympus Leather 1999 and also a Minneapolis resident, ended her title year and awarded a sash to her successor: Joni, the new Ms. Olympus Leather 2000 and a well-known member of the Atlanta fetish community. The Olympus Leather contest and titles differentiate themselves by representing and celebrating pansexual SM play.
Saturday night’s contest featured seven contestants (four for the Mr. title and three for the Ms.) and some very impressive and entertaining fantasy presentations. Ms. Minnesota Olympus Leather Hannah Miyamoto presented the first fantasy of the evening, a vampire-leatherdyke seduction scene based on a Mexican legend. Ms. Florida Olympus Leather Lady Cat’s fantasy took place on a plantation, and Joni’s breathtakingly sizzling and steamy fantasy started with corsetry and climaxed with flogging and fireplay.
The funniest fantasy of the evening belonged to Mr. Louisiana Olympus Leather Mark Anthony, who presented a boot-camp scene in which he turned the tables on his drill sergeant (who didn’t resist all that much). Mr. Georgia Olympus Leather boy kyle’s fantasy was a humorous portrayal of an office worker whose sole knowledge of SM practices came from surfing the internet after business hours.
Mr. Florida Olympus Leather Allen Grim’s paint-by-flogger fantasy held the crowd spellbound. After warming up Maryland Mr. Drummer Paul Bohli’s bare backside with a flogger, Grim covered Bohli’s back with black paint and pressed a blank canvas to it. Then he dipped three floggers in blue, white and red paint and flogged the paint onto Bohli, pressing the canvas to Bohli’s back after each color. (The four colors are the colors of the leather-pride flag.) The canvas was later auctioned off, with the proceeds going to charity. Grim will be at this year’s International Mr. Leather contest in Chicago and will be happy to make the same kind of painting of your backside.
David Coral’s fantasy was a 1940’s-era Havana nightclub dream sequence (choreographed to Santana’s “Smooth”) that featured rip-away clothing, hot-wax play and clothespin “zippers” for a finale. In addition to playing the main character Coral also directed a relatively large cast, all of whom performed exceptionally; the fantasy’s movement, staging, lighting and sound work were impeccable. This should come as no surprise: Coral is a professional actor who was last seen as Guildenstern in Theatre in the Round’s recent production of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead.
The Olympus Leather contest was part of the tenth annual Pantheon of Leather weekend held at Le Petit Theatre, located in the French Quarter in the heart of New Orleans. Each year Pantheon of Leather presents awards to leatherfolk around the world for distinguished community service and contributions to the leather/SM/fetish community and culture. This year 30 awards were handed out at the awards ceremony on Friday, Feb. 25—and, unlike last year, many of the award recipients were there in person to receive them. (Attendance in general for this year’s Pantheon/Olympus weekend was up 33% compared to last year’s event.)
Todd Leek is new Mr. Mpls. Eagle 2000
On Sunday, Feb. 27 (the same weekend that Pantheon/Olympus was happening in New Orleans) the Mr. Minneapolis Eagle 2000 contest was held in Minneapolis. The evening’s emcee was Minneapolis Eagle co-owner Greg Norton; judging the contest were International Mr. Leather 1997 Kevin Cwayna, Mr. Minnesota Olympus Leather 1998 B.D. Chambers, and Minneapolis Eagle co-owner Ed Hopkins. From a field of five contestants the judges selected Lonnell Callum as second runner-up, Robert Chatlos as first runner-up, and Todd Leek as the new Mr. Minneapolis Eagle 2000. Mr. Minneapolis Eagle 1999 Tim Forte was on hand to make a stepdown speech and present the sash to his successor.
The contest was structured along the lines of the International Mr. Leather contest. Contestants were interviewed privately by the judges before the contest; onstage judging events included a “keg walk” (the contestants traveled from one end of the bar to the other and back with an empty keg on their shoulder), an erotic reading, a 90-second speech on a leather topic, and answering a question on ageism.
Leek will go on to compete in the International Mr. Leather contest, taking place Memorial Day weekend in Chicago.
Mark Your Calendar: The Bizarre Bazaar
Discover all things erotic and exotic at the Bizarre Bazaar, presented in Minneapolis April 15 by Minnesota Stocks Debentures and Bonds (MSDB), a local pansexual BDSM/fetish group. Buy or sell clothing, adornments, collectibles, toys, furniture . . . anything related to BDSM, fetish, leather, kink, and similar lifestyles. There will be vendor displays and a silent auction benefiting a local charity (donations of auction items welcomed). For more details visit the MDSB website: www.mdsb-mn.org.
Upcoming Leather Events (for Calendar section)
Saturday, April 8
Atons Leather/Levi Night
Location and time to be determined
Call the Atons HotLine for more information and to make reservations. Information is also available at the club’s website: www.atons.com.
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