(Published in Lavender Lifestyles Magazine, Issue #21, March 15, 1996)
The recent “Thrash, Trash, Let It All Flash” fundraiser, hosted by Ms. Minnesota Leather Darlette Knox (assisted by her partner Nicky as well as Mr. Minnesota Leather Michael deLeon and Mr. Minnesota Fantasy Dale Willman), was a memorable one for many reasons. Darlette succeeded in lining up quite a roster of live entertainment led by Bob Hastings and Lori Dow. Their over-the-top rendition of “I Got You Babe” absolutely brought down the house! The glamorous CC Russell, the only lip-sync act of the evening, appeared as Tina Turner and sang “We Don’t Need Another Hero.” Other entertainers included three S&M boys from Seren Productions and—drumroll, please—BIG MAMA of Gay 90’s coatcheck fame! In her first time on stage at a leather fundraiser, she took flogger in hand and let Miranda, who had evidently been a bad girl, feel the wages of sin. Truly a historic moment. (Beneficiaries of the fundraiser were Mr. Minnesota Leather’s travel fund, Robert Parker for the Minnesota AIDS Trek, and Ms. Minnesota Leather’s travel fund.)
At the fundraiser, one question seemed to be on many people’s lips: “When and where is IML (the International Mr. Leather Contest)?” If that’s your question, you’ve turned to the right page. Believe it or not, spring is just around the corner, and that means it’s time to get out the datebook and start planning for the “leather season,” which starts Memorial Day Weekend with the International Mr. Leather Contest in Chicago and ends in September with the International Mr. Drummer Contest and Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco. In between, various people and groups have planned all kinds of interesting events for your entertainment.
The information that follows has been taken from various sources (including the calendar section of The Leather Journal) and should be reasonably accurate. However, things do change and errors have a way of creeping in. (The Leather Journal had the wrong dates for our own North Star Regional Rodeo, for example.) So if you’re interested in an event, avoid disappointment by confirming the details.
Remember, it pays to make your reservations early. At IML and Drummer, for instance, the best seats in the auditorium go to those who register first. And hotels have a nasty way of filling up long before you think they will. (See the entry for IML below, and remember the same thing happens for Drummer/Folsom in San Francisco.)
May 5: Ms. Minnesota Leather and Leatherman of Minnesota present the Labyrinth of Leather Beer Bust.
May 24-27: International Mr. Leather (IML) Contest, Chicago. Come see Mr. Minnesota Leather Michael deLeon and Leatherman of Minnesota Thomas Casey as they take the stage! For information and registration forms call 1-800-545-6753. Host hotel is the Ramada Congress; call for room reservations. Ramada’s toll-free number is 1-800-2RAMADA, but they won’t be able to help you with IML room reservations. And good luck: at this writing the hotel is 95% booked!
May 31-June 2: Knights of Leather present Knights Tournament 8. Info: Knights of Leather, Minneapolis, MN.
June 2: Minnesota Leather Den presents Ludicrous Leather Prom Night—The Crowning of Leather Dominus and Domineer
June 15: International Master and Slave Contest, Atlanta
June 22-23: Twin Cities Festival of Pride ’96
June 23: Minnesota Leather Pride
July 12-14: North Star Gay Rodeo Association presents the North Star Regional Rodeo, St. Paul. Info: 555-0069. (Gotta love that new phone number, eh?)
July 14: Mr. Minnesota Fantasy Contest
July 18-21: International Ms. Leather (IMsL) Contest in Philadelphia, the “city of brotherly (and sisterly?) love.” Ms. Minnesota Leather Darlette Knox will be competing for the title. Call 1-800-THE-BELL for room reservations, 1-800-357-4190 (Atlas Travel) for air or train reservations.
July 19-21: The ATONS present Gopher XII Run, “Going Down on the Farm.” (Thank you ATONS and thank you NSGRA for having the rodeo and the run on different weekends this year!) Info: e-mail at ATONS@AOL.COM. Or check out their new web site (!) on the internet at http//www.starbase21.com/ATONS.
August 2-4: Great Lakes Drummer Weekend (tentative)
August 16-18: Fantasy Weekend and International Mr. Fantasy Contest, Omaha
September 5-11: Chicago Hellfire Club presents Inferno XXV, Chicago
September 23-29: International Leather Pride Week, San Francisco
September 28: International Mr. Drummer Contest, San Francisco
September 29: Folsom Street Fair, San Francisco
There! That should be enough to keep you out of (or maybe into?) mischief for a while!
Friday, March 15, 1996
Friday, March 1, 1996
Leather and Domestic Violence (cont’d)
(Published in Lavender Lifestyles Magazine, Issue #20, March 1, 1996)
Continuing our discussion from the last column: So who exactly are these perpetrators of domestic violence? Who are their victims? You can’t tell by looking at them. All abusers are not overbearing ogres; all victims are not spineless wimps. Abusers often are able to function normally in social situations, and can even be quite charming. They manage to hide their abusive tendencies from the rest of the world, reserving them exclusively for their victim(s). Because abuse victims fear embarassment (and retaliation from their abuser) if anyone else discovers they are being abused, they may present a calm, confident face to the rest of the world that belies the hell in which they’re living.
Beneath the labels and the stereotypes, both abusers and victims are still people—people with a problem that needs to be dealt with. People who never thought they would resort to hitting someone they love, or who never thought they would stand for such treatment. People who may have thought they were immune to such things, and one day realize they’re in the middle of an out-of-control situation.
The Gay and Lesbian Community Action Council (GLCAC) provides direct services to both abusers and victims, such as legal advocacy and crisis intervention (including child protection and safe housing). They’re also a treasure trove of counseling referrals. There is a 24-hour domestic violence hotline (or call the GLCAC Helpline, noon to midnight). Susan Gibel is the domestic violence program coordinator.
GLCAC worked extensively with the National Leather Association to put together a pamphlet called “Domestic Violence in the S/M Community.” If you are a member of the leather-S/M community and think you may be involved in an abusive situation, this pamphlet is required reading. Call GLCAC and ask for a copy now.
Lesbian victims of domestic abuse can find counseling resources at Casa de Esperanza or Chrysalis. Counseling for lesbian batterers is available through the Domestic Abuse Project.
A group for gay male victims and survivors of domestic abuse meets every Tuesday at 5:00 p.m. at Community University Health Center (intersection of Franklin and Bloomington Avenues in Minneapolis). Chuck Loban (627-6885) is the group facilitator. This group is for gay men who are currently being abused and are wondering what to do about it. It’s also for gay men who are still haunted by the “ghosts” of a past abusive relationship; this group may be able to help lay those ghosts to rest.
Counseling options for gay male abusers include Affirmation Place (only if domestic abuse is accompanied by chemical abuse) and the Domestic Abuse Project. Individual therapy is also an option.
One kind of counseling that is definitely not a good idea is couples counseling; in situations where abuse is present it is almost always counterproductive. Counseling only helps when counselor and clients deal with the truth. When their abuser is sitting right there in the counseling session the victim can’t be truthful about the abuse they are enduring, for fear of retaliation from their abuser after the session is over.
I’m going to recommend two books for further reading on this subject, in addition to the pamphlet mentioned above. “Men Who Beat The Men Who Love Them,” by Patrick Letellier and David Island, was the book that finally broke down my denial and my defenses and convinced me I had to get away from my abuser. I can’t recommend it highly enough. For women, Susan Gibel recommends “Naming the Violence—Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering,” edited by Kerry Lobel.
Upcoming Leather Events
Ms. Minnesota Leather and Leatherman of Minnesota invite you to a
Spring Sleaze Beer Bust
Sunday, March 3, 5-9 p.m., Gay 90’s Men’s Room Bar
Everyone is welcome. Featuring “Trash & Thrash, Let It All Flash” Sleazewear Contest (wear your trashiest jeans—the ones with rips in all the right places!) Door prizes, live entertainment, a surprise special guest, food and beer. $5.00 at the door. “Break the winter freeze with a Hot Spring Sleaze” 1996.
Atons Casino Run (Grand Casino, Hinckley)
Saturday, March 16, 1:00 p.m. (register by Monday, March 11)
If you’ve always wanted to wear leather/levi/uniform attire to a casino, now’s your chance. If you’re a gambler, you could WIN BIG! Or you could just hang out in the Atons’ hospitality suite (and maybe WIN BIG in a different way). $10 prepaid, $15 bus-side. For complete details and a registration form call or e-mail AtonsMpls@aol.com.
Continuing our discussion from the last column: So who exactly are these perpetrators of domestic violence? Who are their victims? You can’t tell by looking at them. All abusers are not overbearing ogres; all victims are not spineless wimps. Abusers often are able to function normally in social situations, and can even be quite charming. They manage to hide their abusive tendencies from the rest of the world, reserving them exclusively for their victim(s). Because abuse victims fear embarassment (and retaliation from their abuser) if anyone else discovers they are being abused, they may present a calm, confident face to the rest of the world that belies the hell in which they’re living.
Beneath the labels and the stereotypes, both abusers and victims are still people—people with a problem that needs to be dealt with. People who never thought they would resort to hitting someone they love, or who never thought they would stand for such treatment. People who may have thought they were immune to such things, and one day realize they’re in the middle of an out-of-control situation.
The Gay and Lesbian Community Action Council (GLCAC) provides direct services to both abusers and victims, such as legal advocacy and crisis intervention (including child protection and safe housing). They’re also a treasure trove of counseling referrals. There is a 24-hour domestic violence hotline (or call the GLCAC Helpline, noon to midnight). Susan Gibel is the domestic violence program coordinator.
GLCAC worked extensively with the National Leather Association to put together a pamphlet called “Domestic Violence in the S/M Community.” If you are a member of the leather-S/M community and think you may be involved in an abusive situation, this pamphlet is required reading. Call GLCAC and ask for a copy now.
Lesbian victims of domestic abuse can find counseling resources at Casa de Esperanza or Chrysalis. Counseling for lesbian batterers is available through the Domestic Abuse Project.
A group for gay male victims and survivors of domestic abuse meets every Tuesday at 5:00 p.m. at Community University Health Center (intersection of Franklin and Bloomington Avenues in Minneapolis). Chuck Loban (627-6885) is the group facilitator. This group is for gay men who are currently being abused and are wondering what to do about it. It’s also for gay men who are still haunted by the “ghosts” of a past abusive relationship; this group may be able to help lay those ghosts to rest.
Counseling options for gay male abusers include Affirmation Place (only if domestic abuse is accompanied by chemical abuse) and the Domestic Abuse Project. Individual therapy is also an option.
One kind of counseling that is definitely not a good idea is couples counseling; in situations where abuse is present it is almost always counterproductive. Counseling only helps when counselor and clients deal with the truth. When their abuser is sitting right there in the counseling session the victim can’t be truthful about the abuse they are enduring, for fear of retaliation from their abuser after the session is over.
I’m going to recommend two books for further reading on this subject, in addition to the pamphlet mentioned above. “Men Who Beat The Men Who Love Them,” by Patrick Letellier and David Island, was the book that finally broke down my denial and my defenses and convinced me I had to get away from my abuser. I can’t recommend it highly enough. For women, Susan Gibel recommends “Naming the Violence—Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering,” edited by Kerry Lobel.
Upcoming Leather Events
Ms. Minnesota Leather and Leatherman of Minnesota invite you to a
Spring Sleaze Beer Bust
Sunday, March 3, 5-9 p.m., Gay 90’s Men’s Room Bar
Everyone is welcome. Featuring “Trash & Thrash, Let It All Flash” Sleazewear Contest (wear your trashiest jeans—the ones with rips in all the right places!) Door prizes, live entertainment, a surprise special guest, food and beer. $5.00 at the door. “Break the winter freeze with a Hot Spring Sleaze” 1996.
Atons Casino Run (Grand Casino, Hinckley)
Saturday, March 16, 1:00 p.m. (register by Monday, March 11)
If you’ve always wanted to wear leather/levi/uniform attire to a casino, now’s your chance. If you’re a gambler, you could WIN BIG! Or you could just hang out in the Atons’ hospitality suite (and maybe WIN BIG in a different way). $10 prepaid, $15 bus-side. For complete details and a registration form call or e-mail AtonsMpls@aol.com.
Friday, February 16, 1996
Leather and Domestic Violence
(Published in Lavender Lifestyles Magazine, Issue #19, February 16, 1996)
Someone recently told me about a boy in our community who was being abused by his Daddy, and asked if I knew where he could go for help. I told them who to call (see below). They later told me that the information had been most helpful, and the situation had been dealt with. They also suggested that this might be a good topic for my column, so here it is.
Domestic abuse has certainly gotten its share of attention in mainstream media, from O.J. and Nicole to various members of the Vikings to at least one state politician. But almost all the mainstream publicity frames the problem as the man (“perpetrator” or villain) beating his wife (victim). This model doesn’t really apply to either gay male or lesbian domestic violence. And we in the leather/SM community, being the creative tribe that we are, have invented flavors of domestic violence that would boggle the minds of “battered women” advocates. How does one explain a mistress who abuses her boy? Or a slave who abuses his or her master or mistress and then says, “If you don’t like it, you can take your frustration out on me in the dungeon”?
Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, domestic violence does happen among gays and lesbians and in the leather community. And it can be stopped. I’m living proof of both those statements. I was in an abusive relationship for eighteen years before finally getting out of it almost three years ago.
What qualifies as abuse? For anyone but a leather columnist an easy answer is when your partner hits you. For people into SM that answer may not apply. (Then again, it may.) It is perhaps because of the “unorthodox” dynamics going on in leather/SM relationships that our community has developed its mantra: “Safe, Sane, Consensual.” If it’s not safe, if it’s not sane, or if it’s not consensual—it’s abuse.
Abuse can be physical, but it can also take other forms. Abuse is about one person trying to control another, and the abuser may use many control methods. There may be emotional or psychological abuse, preying on a victim’s self-image to make him or her easier to control. The victim’s property, pets or even children may be abused, the implied message being “If you don’t toe the line, you’re next.” Sexual abuse can take many forms, including both enforced sex (rape) and withholding sex. Abuse can even be financial.
In abusive relationships, the perpetrator’s objective is to maintain control over their victim. Paradoxically, they create in their victim the illusion that the victim is in control—and is therefore responsible for the fact they’re being abused (“I wouldn’t hit you if you didn’t deserve it” or “Oh, you’re really asking for it now, aren’t you?”) The victim thinks he or she provokes the abuse, and constantly “walks on eggshells” hoping—in vain—to avoid another blowup.
One other form of abuse needs to be mentioned here—chemical abuse, which often accompanies domestic abuse. It might be expected that if a perpetrator abuses their partner they might also abuse chemicals. And victims often turn to alcohol or other substances to deaden their pain. Unfortunately, the effects of chemical abuse and domestic abuse tend to magnify each other, quickly making bad situations even worse.
Like chemical abuse, domestic abuse is progressive—it rarely gets better on its own and almost always escalates. I’m lucky my abuser didn’t kill me. And when I see news reports of victims who kill their abusers in self-preservation I realize that had circumstances been just a little different, that could have been me.
Minneapolis was one of the first cities in the nation to address the issue of gay and lesbian domestic violence; in the next issue we’ll look at some of the community resources available for helping both perpetrators and victims. Until then, if you are being abused, or if you find yourself hitting the man or woman you love, help is available by calling the Gay and Lesbian Community Action Council’s 24-hour domestic violence hotline (or call the GLCAC Helpline, noon to midnight). Susan Gibel is the domestic violence program coordinator. GLCAC is not a leather organization, but they are leather-friendly.
“Black Frost” This Weekend!
Lavender Lifestyles and your humble leather columnist extend a hearty welcome to everyone visiting the Twin Cities for Black Frost 19, “Spur’d On In ’96.” Here’s hoping you all have a great time (and a safe one)!
Someone recently told me about a boy in our community who was being abused by his Daddy, and asked if I knew where he could go for help. I told them who to call (see below). They later told me that the information had been most helpful, and the situation had been dealt with. They also suggested that this might be a good topic for my column, so here it is.
Domestic abuse has certainly gotten its share of attention in mainstream media, from O.J. and Nicole to various members of the Vikings to at least one state politician. But almost all the mainstream publicity frames the problem as the man (“perpetrator” or villain) beating his wife (victim). This model doesn’t really apply to either gay male or lesbian domestic violence. And we in the leather/SM community, being the creative tribe that we are, have invented flavors of domestic violence that would boggle the minds of “battered women” advocates. How does one explain a mistress who abuses her boy? Or a slave who abuses his or her master or mistress and then says, “If you don’t like it, you can take your frustration out on me in the dungeon”?
Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, domestic violence does happen among gays and lesbians and in the leather community. And it can be stopped. I’m living proof of both those statements. I was in an abusive relationship for eighteen years before finally getting out of it almost three years ago.
What qualifies as abuse? For anyone but a leather columnist an easy answer is when your partner hits you. For people into SM that answer may not apply. (Then again, it may.) It is perhaps because of the “unorthodox” dynamics going on in leather/SM relationships that our community has developed its mantra: “Safe, Sane, Consensual.” If it’s not safe, if it’s not sane, or if it’s not consensual—it’s abuse.
Abuse can be physical, but it can also take other forms. Abuse is about one person trying to control another, and the abuser may use many control methods. There may be emotional or psychological abuse, preying on a victim’s self-image to make him or her easier to control. The victim’s property, pets or even children may be abused, the implied message being “If you don’t toe the line, you’re next.” Sexual abuse can take many forms, including both enforced sex (rape) and withholding sex. Abuse can even be financial.
In abusive relationships, the perpetrator’s objective is to maintain control over their victim. Paradoxically, they create in their victim the illusion that the victim is in control—and is therefore responsible for the fact they’re being abused (“I wouldn’t hit you if you didn’t deserve it” or “Oh, you’re really asking for it now, aren’t you?”) The victim thinks he or she provokes the abuse, and constantly “walks on eggshells” hoping—in vain—to avoid another blowup.
One other form of abuse needs to be mentioned here—chemical abuse, which often accompanies domestic abuse. It might be expected that if a perpetrator abuses their partner they might also abuse chemicals. And victims often turn to alcohol or other substances to deaden their pain. Unfortunately, the effects of chemical abuse and domestic abuse tend to magnify each other, quickly making bad situations even worse.
Like chemical abuse, domestic abuse is progressive—it rarely gets better on its own and almost always escalates. I’m lucky my abuser didn’t kill me. And when I see news reports of victims who kill their abusers in self-preservation I realize that had circumstances been just a little different, that could have been me.
Minneapolis was one of the first cities in the nation to address the issue of gay and lesbian domestic violence; in the next issue we’ll look at some of the community resources available for helping both perpetrators and victims. Until then, if you are being abused, or if you find yourself hitting the man or woman you love, help is available by calling the Gay and Lesbian Community Action Council’s 24-hour domestic violence hotline (or call the GLCAC Helpline, noon to midnight). Susan Gibel is the domestic violence program coordinator. GLCAC is not a leather organization, but they are leather-friendly.
“Black Frost” This Weekend!
Lavender Lifestyles and your humble leather columnist extend a hearty welcome to everyone visiting the Twin Cities for Black Frost 19, “Spur’d On In ’96.” Here’s hoping you all have a great time (and a safe one)!
Friday, February 2, 1996
Atons and Black Guard Events
(Published in Lavender Lifestyles Magazine, Issue #18, February 2, 1996)
This column begins with an apology and a correction. In Issue #14 (the Questions and Answers column) I erroneously stated that a gray hankie means “light SM” (as opposed to a black hankie meaning “heavy SM”). It was recently brought to my attention that a gray hankie really means “bondage.” I sincerely regret the error and apologize to anyone I may have confused about this matter.
The post-holiday season has been busy for local leatherfolk and promises to remain so. Two recent fundraisers drew good crowds, and both the Atons and the Black Guard have been busy preparing for upcoming events.
Recently there has been some discussion about what some have perceived as the repetitious nature of leather fundraisers. (The term “cookie-cutter” has been bandied about.) Therefore, I thought it might be interesting to take a look at the first two fundraisers of 1996.
Whips & Wheels featured something I’ve never before seen at a fundraiser: entertainment by a live singer with a karaoke machine. I heard generally favorable comments; one guest said the singer was very good and deserved better than the “59-cent” speaker in the karaoke machine. The crowd filled the Men’s Room bar at the Gay 90’s, and the atmosphere was relaxed and social. Hats off to the three local titleholders who were the organizers: Ms. Minnesota Leather (Darlette Knox), Ms. Twin Cities Leather (BK) and Leatherman of Minnesota (Thomas Casey).
The following weekend, the Men’s Room bar was busy again as the Atons presented the Snow Ball. Attire was “winter sleaze” and your preferred color of hankie; guests were given an extensive hankie-code list at the door. Featured entertainment was a “best butt” contest which drew eleven contestants and was won by a beautiful man (with a beautiful butt) from North Dakota. The event drew an enthusiastic crowd; I heard the Atons were thrilled with the turnout.
Neither of these two events were productions on a huge scale, but each one was planned to include some distinctive entertainment features. And each one drew a good crowd who seemed to be enjoying themselves. (I know I was glad I attended both of them.) A recent “Dear Abby” column contained some wisdom that may apply here: “It’s not what you put on the table that makes a great party, it’s what you put on the chairs” (or to paraphrase: what you put in the plastic beer cups isn’t as important as who’s standing around holding them).
Atons to install new officers: On Saturday evening, February 3, the Atons will hold their 24th Anniversary Installation Banquet at Little Jack’s. This year’s officers are B.D. Chambers (continuing as President), Growler (Vice-President), Jeff Gross (Secretary), and Chrys Zaglifa (Treasurer). Also to be honored at the banquet are this year’s Friends of the Atons: Vince Harris and Wayne Loveland.
The Atons also announce their upcoming second Casino Run to Grand Casino, Hinckley on Saturday, March 16. For more information call or e-mail them at AtonsMpls@aol.com.
New Officers to “Spur On” Black Guard: This year’s Black Guard officers are Colin Spriestersbach (President), David Blaszak (Vice-President), Tom Johnson (Secretary), and Ken Dedina (Treasurer). They will be among the folks you’ll see at the Black Guard’s upcoming run, Black Frost 19/“Spur’d On in ‘96,” which happens February 16-18.
My computer is positive: A few days ago I got an interesting, if chilling, e-mail message. Someone I met in San Francisco last April (and subsequently lost track of) sent me e-mail holiday greetings with a 12-page document attached. His greeting apologized for the length of the document but assured me there was an explanation at the end of the document.
Most of the document consisted of e-mail headers showing that the document had been forwarded many times from person to person to person—sort of like a chain letter. After reading pages and pages of names and e-mail addresses, I finally got to the end of the document and the person who had started it. They apologized, and said they didn’t mean to offend or alarm anyone. But this was an experiment. Imagine that they had the AIDS virus. Imagine that every forwarded message represented the virus spreading further. Imagine that every name in that document was now positive. How long would it be before the entire e-mail universe was positive?
A virtual HIV virus. A simulated epidemic. Probably coming soon to a computer near you. All those e-mail headers represented an electronic Names Project—a sobering demonstration of how, in the absence of precautions, real-life AIDS spreads exponentially.
Until next time, please play safe.
This column begins with an apology and a correction. In Issue #14 (the Questions and Answers column) I erroneously stated that a gray hankie means “light SM” (as opposed to a black hankie meaning “heavy SM”). It was recently brought to my attention that a gray hankie really means “bondage.” I sincerely regret the error and apologize to anyone I may have confused about this matter.
-----
The post-holiday season has been busy for local leatherfolk and promises to remain so. Two recent fundraisers drew good crowds, and both the Atons and the Black Guard have been busy preparing for upcoming events.
Recently there has been some discussion about what some have perceived as the repetitious nature of leather fundraisers. (The term “cookie-cutter” has been bandied about.) Therefore, I thought it might be interesting to take a look at the first two fundraisers of 1996.
Whips & Wheels featured something I’ve never before seen at a fundraiser: entertainment by a live singer with a karaoke machine. I heard generally favorable comments; one guest said the singer was very good and deserved better than the “59-cent” speaker in the karaoke machine. The crowd filled the Men’s Room bar at the Gay 90’s, and the atmosphere was relaxed and social. Hats off to the three local titleholders who were the organizers: Ms. Minnesota Leather (Darlette Knox), Ms. Twin Cities Leather (BK) and Leatherman of Minnesota (Thomas Casey).
The following weekend, the Men’s Room bar was busy again as the Atons presented the Snow Ball. Attire was “winter sleaze” and your preferred color of hankie; guests were given an extensive hankie-code list at the door. Featured entertainment was a “best butt” contest which drew eleven contestants and was won by a beautiful man (with a beautiful butt) from North Dakota. The event drew an enthusiastic crowd; I heard the Atons were thrilled with the turnout.
Neither of these two events were productions on a huge scale, but each one was planned to include some distinctive entertainment features. And each one drew a good crowd who seemed to be enjoying themselves. (I know I was glad I attended both of them.) A recent “Dear Abby” column contained some wisdom that may apply here: “It’s not what you put on the table that makes a great party, it’s what you put on the chairs” (or to paraphrase: what you put in the plastic beer cups isn’t as important as who’s standing around holding them).
-----
The Atons also announce their upcoming second Casino Run to Grand Casino, Hinckley on Saturday, March 16. For more information call or e-mail them at AtonsMpls@aol.com.
-----
-----
Most of the document consisted of e-mail headers showing that the document had been forwarded many times from person to person to person—sort of like a chain letter. After reading pages and pages of names and e-mail addresses, I finally got to the end of the document and the person who had started it. They apologized, and said they didn’t mean to offend or alarm anyone. But this was an experiment. Imagine that they had the AIDS virus. Imagine that every forwarded message represented the virus spreading further. Imagine that every name in that document was now positive. How long would it be before the entire e-mail universe was positive?
A virtual HIV virus. A simulated epidemic. Probably coming soon to a computer near you. All those e-mail headers represented an electronic Names Project—a sobering demonstration of how, in the absence of precautions, real-life AIDS spreads exponentially.
Until next time, please play safe.
Friday, January 19, 1996
Calling All Wannabees
(Published in Lavender Lifestyles Magazine, Issue #17, January 19, 1996)
During the time I’ve been writing this column I’ve been introduced as LavLife’s leather columnist to quite a few people. Their reactions vary from a polite “pleased to meet you” to various degrees of fawning and drooling (just kidding!) Seriously, though, there has been one curious reaction that I have heard many times over. It is this: “Oh, so you’re into the leather scene? Me, I’m just a leather wannabee!”
I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me that I hear this “leather wannabee” response so often, because for many years I was a leather wannabee myself. Shortly after coming out at age 19, I was doing—ahem—”research” when I discovered Drummer Magazine. It was unlike any other gay magazine I had ever seen until then; the men were different than the men I saw in In Touch or David (and certainly different than the men in Playgirl, which was my primary source of beefcake at the time).
The men in those other magazines ranged from ruggedly handsome to overly pretty. The Drummer men, however, were in a class by themselves. I almost didn’t know it was possible for anyone to be that rugged and that masculine. Even fully clothed in leather, they exuded more sex than a lot of the naked guys in the other magazines. Of course, the Drummer men got naked too, and that was phenomenal. And then they started doing unspeakable things to each other’s bodies, which was scary. (“Gosh, doesn’t that hurt?”) Scary, but also strangely, secretly, somewhat shamefully attractive; it repulsed me when I thought about it, but some of what I saw in Drummer kept showing up in my fantasies for years.
As I got older, I kept my leather fantasies to myself. The thought of a big, masculine leatherman even wanting to speak to someone like me seemed outlandish. And the thought that I could actually meet that leatherman on his own turf was beyond outlandish—it was impossible. If I would have had the gall to actually put on leather and invade their territory, I felt like I would have been recognized as the phony I was and laughed (or thrown) right out the door.
I wasn’t even a leather wannabee. I was a leather wish-I-could-but-know-I-can’t-be.
Well, obviously a few things have changed, the first and most fundamental being my attitude towards leather. Once I gave myself permission to actually interact with leatherfolk I discovered that those tough people in leather were actually very friendly and accepting. And I discovered that leather is about inclusion, not exclusion.
Moral of story: If something about leather attracts and excites you, you don’t have to be “just a wannabee.” Give yourself the freedom to explore all the facets of leather life, and you’ll be amazed at the new vistas you’ll discover. You may really get off on certain aspects of the scene; other aspects may not be to your liking. You get to choose what works for you and what doesn’t—you don’t have to buy the whole package in order to be a “real” member of the leather community.
You, too, can be a member of the leather community. I personally invite you to come check it out. You don’t have to be intimidated. We won’t bite.
Unless, of course, you want us to.
If the various international titles are the leather community’s version of Miss America, then the upcoming Pantheon of Leather (sponsored by The Leather Journal) is the leather community’s version of the Academy Awards. This year, 380 individuals, businesses and organizations are nominated to receive awards in twenty-one categories including man, woman, club and business of the year, as well as various regional awards. Among the nominees for this year’s Midwest Regional Award are Madison’s Alvin Robinson (the current Great Lakes Mr. Drummer), as well as J.D. Laufman, Heartless, and Your Humble Columnist, all from the Twin Cities. Congratulations, J.D., Heartless, and Alvin; I’m honored to be included in such esteemed company.
The awards will be presented Sunday afternoon, February 11 at the 1996 Pantheon of Leather VI in New Orleans.
Upcoming Events
Sunday, January 21: The Atons present Snow Ball/Winter Sleaze, Gay 90’s Dance Annex, 4-9 p.m. $5.00 admission includes beer, sodas, food. “Best Buns” and “Sleaziest Jeans” contest. Hanky code information available (and hankies for sale!)
Friday-Sunday, Feb. 16-18: The Black Guard presents Black Frost 19, “Spurred On In ’96.” Registration deadline Feb. 1.
During the time I’ve been writing this column I’ve been introduced as LavLife’s leather columnist to quite a few people. Their reactions vary from a polite “pleased to meet you” to various degrees of fawning and drooling (just kidding!) Seriously, though, there has been one curious reaction that I have heard many times over. It is this: “Oh, so you’re into the leather scene? Me, I’m just a leather wannabee!”
I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me that I hear this “leather wannabee” response so often, because for many years I was a leather wannabee myself. Shortly after coming out at age 19, I was doing—ahem—”research” when I discovered Drummer Magazine. It was unlike any other gay magazine I had ever seen until then; the men were different than the men I saw in In Touch or David (and certainly different than the men in Playgirl, which was my primary source of beefcake at the time).
The men in those other magazines ranged from ruggedly handsome to overly pretty. The Drummer men, however, were in a class by themselves. I almost didn’t know it was possible for anyone to be that rugged and that masculine. Even fully clothed in leather, they exuded more sex than a lot of the naked guys in the other magazines. Of course, the Drummer men got naked too, and that was phenomenal. And then they started doing unspeakable things to each other’s bodies, which was scary. (“Gosh, doesn’t that hurt?”) Scary, but also strangely, secretly, somewhat shamefully attractive; it repulsed me when I thought about it, but some of what I saw in Drummer kept showing up in my fantasies for years.
As I got older, I kept my leather fantasies to myself. The thought of a big, masculine leatherman even wanting to speak to someone like me seemed outlandish. And the thought that I could actually meet that leatherman on his own turf was beyond outlandish—it was impossible. If I would have had the gall to actually put on leather and invade their territory, I felt like I would have been recognized as the phony I was and laughed (or thrown) right out the door.
I wasn’t even a leather wannabee. I was a leather wish-I-could-but-know-I-can’t-be.
Well, obviously a few things have changed, the first and most fundamental being my attitude towards leather. Once I gave myself permission to actually interact with leatherfolk I discovered that those tough people in leather were actually very friendly and accepting. And I discovered that leather is about inclusion, not exclusion.
Moral of story: If something about leather attracts and excites you, you don’t have to be “just a wannabee.” Give yourself the freedom to explore all the facets of leather life, and you’ll be amazed at the new vistas you’ll discover. You may really get off on certain aspects of the scene; other aspects may not be to your liking. You get to choose what works for you and what doesn’t—you don’t have to buy the whole package in order to be a “real” member of the leather community.
You, too, can be a member of the leather community. I personally invite you to come check it out. You don’t have to be intimidated. We won’t bite.
Unless, of course, you want us to.
-----
If the various international titles are the leather community’s version of Miss America, then the upcoming Pantheon of Leather (sponsored by The Leather Journal) is the leather community’s version of the Academy Awards. This year, 380 individuals, businesses and organizations are nominated to receive awards in twenty-one categories including man, woman, club and business of the year, as well as various regional awards. Among the nominees for this year’s Midwest Regional Award are Madison’s Alvin Robinson (the current Great Lakes Mr. Drummer), as well as J.D. Laufman, Heartless, and Your Humble Columnist, all from the Twin Cities. Congratulations, J.D., Heartless, and Alvin; I’m honored to be included in such esteemed company.
The awards will be presented Sunday afternoon, February 11 at the 1996 Pantheon of Leather VI in New Orleans.
Upcoming Events
Sunday, January 21: The Atons present Snow Ball/Winter Sleaze, Gay 90’s Dance Annex, 4-9 p.m. $5.00 admission includes beer, sodas, food. “Best Buns” and “Sleaziest Jeans” contest. Hanky code information available (and hankies for sale!)
Friday-Sunday, Feb. 16-18: The Black Guard presents Black Frost 19, “Spurred On In ’96.” Registration deadline Feb. 1.
Friday, January 5, 1996
New Year's Resolutions
(Published in Lavender Lifestyles Magazine, Issue #16, January 5, 1996)
Happy New Year! By now we’ve done our celebrating, so let’s get down to the business of resolutions.
It seems like every year, a few days before Christmas, I always have at least one friend who is hospitalized with pneumocystis. This year was no different and no easier. Six months ago he was robust; it was jarring to see how frail he had become. I thought to myself, “Why does he have to go through this? He shouldn’t have to. Nobody should have to.” Life and the universe didn’t seem terribly fair at that point.
As I left the hospital, for some reason I remembered a poster I saw last September in San Francisco that asked an intriguing and sobering question: “What have you done lately to stop AIDS?”
What an empowering way of looking at it. Asking the question this way leaves no room for making it someone else’s responsibility. There are brilliant people in laboratories everywhere who are looking for a cure and a vaccine, and I hope they find something soon. But in the meantime, there’s a nasty little epidemic running loose out there. We know there are steps that each of us can take to stop the virus from spreading. Doing our part to stop AIDS is our responsibility both to ourselves and to others.
So I would like to encourage you to make a New Year’s resolution or two. Regardless of your HIV status, resolve to practice safe sex every time. If you have questions about what’s safe and what’s not, make a resolution to get the answers. Every sexual encounter that’s safe represents a little victory over the virus—it means that, for this one time, it didn’t get a chance to spread. It may not be a cure or a vaccine, but it’s still extremely significant.
If you’re positive, resolve to take care of yourself so you can stay as healthy as possible. Whatever that means for you, resolve to do it. And resolve not to lose hope for the future. I am meeting more and more people who have been infected for long periods of time and who are leading healthy, productive, fulfilling lives. Every one of these people represent another reason not to lose hope.
If you’re negative, resolve to do what you need to do to stay that way. One aspect of staying negative is physical: knowing what’s safe and what’s not, and choosing to be safe every time. Then there’s the mental aspect of not losing hope, not giving in to mind games. Sometimes it’s hard not to wonder why so many of my friends have the virus and I don’t. There are times I could easily slip into feeling guilty about being negative, and there are times I could easily give in to fatalism: “So many other people have it, it’s only a matter of time before I get it, so why should I bother being safe?” But none of us can afford to think such dangerous thoughts. If you’ve made it this far through the epidemic and you’re still negative, now is definitely not the time to throw in
One of my New Year’s resolutions was to write this column as a way of honoring my friend’s struggle and as a way of helping others avoid that struggle. Incidentally, since that visit the drugs appear to be working and he’s getting stronger. I hope he makes it out of the hospital. I hope he gets to go home again. I hope he gets to go to Mexico this winter—and next winter, and the winter after that.
For the record: Two columns ago I told you that Dale Willman was traveling to Denver to compete in the first-ever Mr. Rocky Mountain Olympus contest. It gives me great pleasure to announce that Dale was awarded the prize for First Runner-up. Attaboy, Dale! (By the way, current Great Lakes Drummerboy troy traveled to Denver with Dale and obviously did a good job assisting him.)
UPCOMING EVENTS
Mark these dates on your brand-new 1996 calendar.
January 14: Whips & Wheels, 5-9 p.m., Gay 90’s Dance Annex, admission by donation. A fundraiser featuring Ms. Minnesota Leather, Mr. Minnesota Leather, Leatherman of Minnesota and Ms. Twin Cities Leather. See event posters for more details.
January 21: The Atons present the Snow Bowl!
February XX & XX: The Black Guard present Black Frost 17, “Spurred On In ’96.” Get your registration forms in soon!
Happy New Year! By now we’ve done our celebrating, so let’s get down to the business of resolutions.
It seems like every year, a few days before Christmas, I always have at least one friend who is hospitalized with pneumocystis. This year was no different and no easier. Six months ago he was robust; it was jarring to see how frail he had become. I thought to myself, “Why does he have to go through this? He shouldn’t have to. Nobody should have to.” Life and the universe didn’t seem terribly fair at that point.
As I left the hospital, for some reason I remembered a poster I saw last September in San Francisco that asked an intriguing and sobering question: “What have you done lately to stop AIDS?”
What an empowering way of looking at it. Asking the question this way leaves no room for making it someone else’s responsibility. There are brilliant people in laboratories everywhere who are looking for a cure and a vaccine, and I hope they find something soon. But in the meantime, there’s a nasty little epidemic running loose out there. We know there are steps that each of us can take to stop the virus from spreading. Doing our part to stop AIDS is our responsibility both to ourselves and to others.
So I would like to encourage you to make a New Year’s resolution or two. Regardless of your HIV status, resolve to practice safe sex every time. If you have questions about what’s safe and what’s not, make a resolution to get the answers. Every sexual encounter that’s safe represents a little victory over the virus—it means that, for this one time, it didn’t get a chance to spread. It may not be a cure or a vaccine, but it’s still extremely significant.
If you’re positive, resolve to take care of yourself so you can stay as healthy as possible. Whatever that means for you, resolve to do it. And resolve not to lose hope for the future. I am meeting more and more people who have been infected for long periods of time and who are leading healthy, productive, fulfilling lives. Every one of these people represent another reason not to lose hope.
If you’re negative, resolve to do what you need to do to stay that way. One aspect of staying negative is physical: knowing what’s safe and what’s not, and choosing to be safe every time. Then there’s the mental aspect of not losing hope, not giving in to mind games. Sometimes it’s hard not to wonder why so many of my friends have the virus and I don’t. There are times I could easily slip into feeling guilty about being negative, and there are times I could easily give in to fatalism: “So many other people have it, it’s only a matter of time before I get it, so why should I bother being safe?” But none of us can afford to think such dangerous thoughts. If you’ve made it this far through the epidemic and you’re still negative, now is definitely not the time to throw in
One of my New Year’s resolutions was to write this column as a way of honoring my friend’s struggle and as a way of helping others avoid that struggle. Incidentally, since that visit the drugs appear to be working and he’s getting stronger. I hope he makes it out of the hospital. I hope he gets to go home again. I hope he gets to go to Mexico this winter—and next winter, and the winter after that.
-----
For the record: Two columns ago I told you that Dale Willman was traveling to Denver to compete in the first-ever Mr. Rocky Mountain Olympus contest. It gives me great pleasure to announce that Dale was awarded the prize for First Runner-up. Attaboy, Dale! (By the way, current Great Lakes Drummerboy troy traveled to Denver with Dale and obviously did a good job assisting him.)
UPCOMING EVENTS
Mark these dates on your brand-new 1996 calendar.
January 14: Whips & Wheels, 5-9 p.m., Gay 90’s Dance Annex, admission by donation. A fundraiser featuring Ms. Minnesota Leather, Mr. Minnesota Leather, Leatherman of Minnesota and Ms. Twin Cities Leather. See event posters for more details.
January 21: The Atons present the Snow Bowl!
February XX & XX: The Black Guard present Black Frost 17, “Spurred On In ’96.” Get your registration forms in soon!
Friday, December 22, 1995
Norman Rockwell—NOT!
(Published in Lavender Lifestyles Magazine, Issue #15, December 22, 1995)
Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwaanza, Solstice or none of the above, Christmas Day will soon be here. Society tells us that on Christmas we are supposed to get together with the rest of our (biological) families and do Norman Rockwell scenes. If we don’t do this (either because we can’t or don’t want to) we are supposed to feel lonely and empty. The entire rest of the world is playing Ozzie & Harriet—what’s wrong with us?
We in the leather community certainly don’t have a corner on holiday stress, but we sometimes have to face issues that vanilla society doesn’t. Family issues tend to be more stressful around the holidays for gay people in general—add kinkiness to the mix and the situation can become even worse. In family and other social situations, we are often presented with two bad alternatives: stay in the closet about who we are and feel ashamed, or be out and risk feeling uncomfortable at best and being snubbed at worst.
If Christmas is supposed to be such a warm-fuzzy time of year, why is it so stressful for so many of us? And what can we do about it?
Well, we can start by looking honestly at the situation. My partner Ken has stated that, in his opinion, Norman Rockwell was not a painter or even an illustrator—he was a subversive agent, brainwashing us all into believing romantic notions of family life that even in vanilla terms simply aren’t realistic. Ken also says that even Ozzie and Harriet weren’t real; as evidence, he cites the manner of son Ricky Nelson’s untimely death (a cocaine-related plane crash, if I remember properly). There’s no reason to beat ourselves up emotionally for failing to live up to what is an illusory ideal.
Face it, we leatherfolk are outlaws. We don’t always play by society’s rules the rest of the year; why should the holidays be any different? Rather than Norman Rockwell telling us what we should want, let’s ask ourselves how we really want to spend the day. Let’s not be limited by convention. Do we want to gather at someone’s home for a big holiday meal? Spend the day with just our partner, a roaring fire in the fireplace, and a sling? Have a Solstice orgy with 20 or 30 or 100 of our closest friends? (“I’m dreaming of a wet Christmas . . . ”)
Every year on Christmas night gay bars are teeming with people who have just spent the day at a family gathering and need a dose of reality, freedom and fresh air. I’ve heard the opinion expressed that anyone who would spend Christmas night at a bar is a lonely, pathetic soul. I don’t agree, and I say thank goodness that there is a gathering place where an antidote is available for those who need it. (I hasten to add that the “antidote” to which I am referring is fellowship, not alcohol.)
It doesn’t matter what other people think about how you celebrate the holiday. What matters is that it be uplifting and meaningful for you. That’s my holiday wish for all my readers—whatever you celebrate, however you celebrate it.
A final word: there’s a wonderful book by Mary Borhek called Coming Out To Parents: A Two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbians, Gay Men And Their Parents. It discusses holiday issues along with lots of other family-related topics. If you or your parents are feeling family stress I recommend it highly, and the fact that I’m the author’s son has absolutely nothing to do with my recommendation.
An Open Letter From Darlette Knox, Ms. Minnesota Leather 1995, to the Leather Community at Large:
I’m writing in this form in hopes of reaching those whom I could not personally thank for all the support. I wanted to thank everybody for coming out and supporting the leather functions and the Mr. and Ms. Minnesota Leather and the Leatherman of Minnesota contests. Without the direct support of all of you the leather lifelight in the Twin Cities would be dim.
A big thank you goes out to the leather clubs and organizations, the GDI’s, the supporters and promotors, the judges and all the attendees and entertainers. I am honored and feel privileged to represent Minnesota and will carry and present the title with pride.
Lastly, our community is growing and your continued support does not go unnoticed. All of you who come out are appreciated as well as needed, and I hope that all of you have a warm and wonderful holiday season. And again, thank you very much.
Darlette
Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwaanza, Solstice or none of the above, Christmas Day will soon be here. Society tells us that on Christmas we are supposed to get together with the rest of our (biological) families and do Norman Rockwell scenes. If we don’t do this (either because we can’t or don’t want to) we are supposed to feel lonely and empty. The entire rest of the world is playing Ozzie & Harriet—what’s wrong with us?
We in the leather community certainly don’t have a corner on holiday stress, but we sometimes have to face issues that vanilla society doesn’t. Family issues tend to be more stressful around the holidays for gay people in general—add kinkiness to the mix and the situation can become even worse. In family and other social situations, we are often presented with two bad alternatives: stay in the closet about who we are and feel ashamed, or be out and risk feeling uncomfortable at best and being snubbed at worst.
If Christmas is supposed to be such a warm-fuzzy time of year, why is it so stressful for so many of us? And what can we do about it?
Well, we can start by looking honestly at the situation. My partner Ken has stated that, in his opinion, Norman Rockwell was not a painter or even an illustrator—he was a subversive agent, brainwashing us all into believing romantic notions of family life that even in vanilla terms simply aren’t realistic. Ken also says that even Ozzie and Harriet weren’t real; as evidence, he cites the manner of son Ricky Nelson’s untimely death (a cocaine-related plane crash, if I remember properly). There’s no reason to beat ourselves up emotionally for failing to live up to what is an illusory ideal.
Face it, we leatherfolk are outlaws. We don’t always play by society’s rules the rest of the year; why should the holidays be any different? Rather than Norman Rockwell telling us what we should want, let’s ask ourselves how we really want to spend the day. Let’s not be limited by convention. Do we want to gather at someone’s home for a big holiday meal? Spend the day with just our partner, a roaring fire in the fireplace, and a sling? Have a Solstice orgy with 20 or 30 or 100 of our closest friends? (“I’m dreaming of a wet Christmas . . . ”)
Every year on Christmas night gay bars are teeming with people who have just spent the day at a family gathering and need a dose of reality, freedom and fresh air. I’ve heard the opinion expressed that anyone who would spend Christmas night at a bar is a lonely, pathetic soul. I don’t agree, and I say thank goodness that there is a gathering place where an antidote is available for those who need it. (I hasten to add that the “antidote” to which I am referring is fellowship, not alcohol.)
It doesn’t matter what other people think about how you celebrate the holiday. What matters is that it be uplifting and meaningful for you. That’s my holiday wish for all my readers—whatever you celebrate, however you celebrate it.
A final word: there’s a wonderful book by Mary Borhek called Coming Out To Parents: A Two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbians, Gay Men And Their Parents. It discusses holiday issues along with lots of other family-related topics. If you or your parents are feeling family stress I recommend it highly, and the fact that I’m the author’s son has absolutely nothing to do with my recommendation.
An Open Letter From Darlette Knox, Ms. Minnesota Leather 1995, to the Leather Community at Large:
I’m writing in this form in hopes of reaching those whom I could not personally thank for all the support. I wanted to thank everybody for coming out and supporting the leather functions and the Mr. and Ms. Minnesota Leather and the Leatherman of Minnesota contests. Without the direct support of all of you the leather lifelight in the Twin Cities would be dim.
A big thank you goes out to the leather clubs and organizations, the GDI’s, the supporters and promotors, the judges and all the attendees and entertainers. I am honored and feel privileged to represent Minnesota and will carry and present the title with pride.
Lastly, our community is growing and your continued support does not go unnoticed. All of you who come out are appreciated as well as needed, and I hope that all of you have a warm and wonderful holiday season. And again, thank you very much.
Darlette
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