No More Toxic Toys

(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #311, April 27, 2007)

The Coalition Against Toxic Toys (CATT) wants you to know that toys can be hazardous to your health.

And they aren’t talking about the kind of toy that comes in a Happy Meal.

Based in Minneapolis, CATT is a nonprofit consumer advocacy and education organization dedicated to ending the manufacture, distribution and retail sale of toxic sex toys. The coalition is allied with Smitten Kitten, a retailer of sex-related goods that prides itself on not selling toys that are toxic to people or to the environment.

Far from being the small, fringe industry of yesteryear, adult sex toys today are a $500,000 industry in the United States alone. The biggest market for them are middle-class couples, 35 and older, in a committed relationship.

But this huge market is for the most part unregulated. Medical devices, teething rings for baby, even your dog’s chew toy are regulated by the US Consumer Products Safety Commission. These products can be made only from materials that are certified as safe and pose no health threats.

But dildos, vibrators, cock rings and other adult sexual paraphernalia receive almost no regulation or oversight at all. No government agency is responsible for ensuring that the toys in the drawer of your bedside table are safe and don’t contain hazardous materials. Adult toys avoid regulation by being labeled “for novelty use only.” (Translation: these are gag gifts to be giggled at, not to be put to any actual use. You want to do what with it? Oh, we won’t take any responsibility if you do that.)

What kind of hazards are we talking about? Independent testing has revealed that many toys contain a variety of toxic compounds including cadmium, lead and toluene. On a personal level, some toys (and some lubes as well) contain ingredients that can irritate sensitive tissue. Some plastics leak hazardous compounds. Toys made of porous materials can never be adequately cleaned or sterilized. And then there’s the more global issue of environmental consequences from the manufacture of certain materials.

One of the plastics often used for adult toys is PVC (polyvinyl chloride), a material that is cheap and easy to work with but that has long been decried as unfriendly to the environment during both manufacture and disposal.

PVC used in sex toys is often laced (or loaded) with phthalates, which can create an invitingly soft and flesh-like surface. Some toys are flesh-colored, while “jelly” toys are often brightly colored and stretchy.

The PVC/phthalate combination is not chemically stable, which means the phthalates leach out of the plastic over time. When that happens the toys change color, texture and smell. Some users of these products have reported irritation after using them.

But even if no contact irritation occurs, there might be more serious problems down the road. Phthalate exposure studies in mice and rats have linked the chemicals to reproductive organ damage, liver damage and liver cancer. Four studies have linked high phthalate exposure to a variety of human health problems. However, most of the research on humans and phthalates has involved skin or oral exposure to the chemicals. Very little, if any, research has been done concerning phthalate exposure through sensitive human genital or rectal tissues.

Based on the research that has been done, the United States, Japan, Canada and the European Union restrict the use of certain phthalates in children’s toys. But no such restrictions exist for adult toys. In this instance, at least, our sex-negative government is staying out of our bedrooms—with unhealthy and hazardous results. Right now users of adult toys are, in effect, the government’s guinea pigs. If problems develop and a negative public-health trend emerges, maybe then the government will take action—as it finally did with asbestos and PCBs, substances once thought safe.

In addition to containing toxic chemicals, the plastic used for cheap toys is porous and can never be adequately cleaned or sanitized. Because the pores in the plastic can harbor bacteria, viruses and fungi, toys made with porous plastic can spread disease if shared.

The good news is that you can buy toys that are safe. Toys made out of materials like high-quality glass, medical-grade silicone, high-quality stainless steel, hard acrylic plastics and polished non-porous stone will last almost indefinitely and can be cleaned and sterilized. The bad news is that good toys will probably cost more than cheap, inferior toys.

Not all plastic toys are toxic (although they still may be porous, and thus impossible to clean). Responding to market pressures, many toys are now being marketed as phthalate-free. But remember, this is for all intents and purposes an unregulated industry, and no watchdog is making sure that the claims on product packages are truthful. So don’t blindly trust packaging claims.

When shopping for toys, CATT recommends using the “smell test”: If an item smells perfumey, or like a new shower curtain, it’s giving off chemicals. (Medical-grade silicone, glass, stainless steel, and stone have no odor because they are not emitting chemicals.) A toy should also be considered suspect if it looks shiny or feels greasy.

You can find much more about this subject at CATT’s website, <www.badvibes.org>.

Leather Lens: Mr. Minneapolis Eagle 2007

(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #310, April 13, 2007)

Dan Beach captured the Mr. Minneapolis Eagle 2007 title and sash Saturday evening, March 30. First runner-up was Rick Burgess, second runner-up was Eric Jensen, and third runner-up was Mark G. The contest was held in The Bolt Bar, next door to the Eagle, and the place was packed.

The evening’s contestants were introduced during the traditional Keg Walk, in which each contestant grabbed a beer keg on stage and paraded it through the crowd. Contestants also did an onstage Q&A session and performed some original and scintillating erotic readings. (The private interview portion of the contest had taken place earlier Saturday evening.)

Longtime friend of The Minneapolis Eagle and Bolt Brian Anderson was back for another entertaining year as the evening’s Master of Ceremonies. Judges were Mark Beckler, Mr. Minneapolis Eagle 2006; Gregg White, Mr. Minneapolis Eagle 2003; Sam Carlisle, representing The Atons of Minneapolis; and your humble columnist.

Beach will represent The Minneapolis Eagle and contest co-sponsor 1-800-GAY-LIVE in the 2007 International Mr. Leather contest (<www.imrl.com>), Memorial Day weekend in Chicago.

During the Keg Walk: Eric Jensen, Dan Beach, Rick Burgess.

At the microphone: Eric Jensen.

At the microphone: Dan Beach.

At the microphone: Rick Burgess.

At the microphone: Mark G.

Mr. Minneapolis Eagles 2007 Dan Beach and 2006 Mark Beckler.

Mr. Minneapolis Eagle 2007 Dan Beach.

Leather Leaders to Gather in Minneapolis

(Article published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #310, April 13, 2007)

A Sneak Peek at Leather Leadership Conference XI

PHOTOS: Barbara Nitke (photo credit: Mike Ralph), John Pendal (photo credit: Steve Lenius)

Minneapolis hosts more than 250 conventions and meetings each year. But the city has never hosted a Leather Leadership Conference. Until now.

After three years of working, planning and dreaming, Minneapolis will host the eleventh annual Leather Leadership Conference (LLC XI) April 20-22. Over 200 members of the leather/BDSM/fetish community are already registered for the conference, being held at the Hyatt Regency Minneapolis. They will be coming to Minnesota from across the United States, Canada and even the UK.

The theme of LLC XI is “The Art of Sharing Power . . . a work in progress.” The theme is appropriate, according to LLC spokesperson Stephanie Lynn, because “it acknowledges the cultural foundations of Minnesota’s leather community and its reliance on shared power. We’re a diverse collection of people, clubs and organizations that, rather than competing—or even fighting—with one another, are able to share power and support each other.” The theme also has allowed organizers to tap into the Minneapolis/St. Paul area’s artistic and cultural resources and use them to convey, in a new and novel way, the traditional content of a Leather Leadership Conference.

The plans and arrangements for the conference have now been finalized, and Minnesota is ready to host the leaders and soon-to-be-leaders of the leather/BDSM/fetish world. Here’s a day-by-day rundown of what will be happening at LLC XI:

Even though LLC XI doesn’t officially start until Friday evening (April 20), a Starving Artist dessert/coffee reception on Thursday evening (April 19) will welcome more than 100 conference attendees who have arrived early.

Why so many early arrivals? Because on Friday afternoon, three afternoon-long Pre-conference Institute seminars will be offered. “Event Management” will be discussed by Master Z of Chicago, the man responsible for Chicago’s Kinky Kollege and Sinsations in Leather events. “So you want to be a titleholder!” will be presented by members of the Chicago Leather Kennel Club, an organization dedicated to grooming contestants for leather title competition and supporting them as they hold their title. The third Pre-conference Institute seminar is actually a combination presentation for leather businesses and artists: Master Fred explains “The Draw of Vending,” and noted fetish diva Midori will present “Painted Into A Corner: Freaks Make Art.”

The conference officially starts Friday evening with opening ceremonies incorporated into a Cabaret. Master of ceremonies for the evening will be Patrick Scully, the original creative spirit and driving force behind Patrick’s Cabaret. Featured entertainers will be whipmaster Robert Dante, comedian Matthew Gilman, and performance artist Heidi Arneson.

Also part of the Cabaret will be the opening keynote speech by Barbara Nitke, a noted New York artist, photographer and activist. Nitke was a joint plaintiff with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom in a landmark court case (Nitke et. al. v. Ashcroft, later Nitke v. Gonzales)challenging the Communications Decency Act, a law limiting freedom of speech on the internet.

Saturday morning (April 21) starts with a breakfast featuring speaker Laura Antoniou, noted author of the “Marketplace” series of erotic novels and editor of the “Leatherwomen” anthologies. Then comes a full day of workshop sessions and panel discussions covering topics such as “When Consent Doesn’t Count,” “Research on Kinky Sexuality,” “You Say Dungeon, I Say Play Space” and “Putting Sex Back Into Leather.” A total of thirty sessions, arranged in six topic areas, will be presented, with conference participants being able to attend up to five different presentations.

A special LLC XI art gallery at the host hotel will be open during conference hours, with a “meet the artists” reception in the gallery after lunch on Saturday. Artists whose work will be on display include Barbara Nitke, Midori and Morgan Monceaux (profiled in last issue’s “Leather Life” column). Also in the gallery will be a show of film clips from the CineKink film festival, courtesy of Lisa Vandever, organizer of CineKink.

No official conference activities are scheduled for Saturday evening, but conference attendees will have many non-conference social activities from which to choose. Among them will be a reading presented by Laura Antoniou at 7 p.m. at Dreamhaven Books.

On Sunday morning (April 22), another round of workshop sessions will be followed by brunch and closing ceremonies. Included in the brunch will be the closing keynote speech by John Pendal, International Mr. Leather 2003. Pendal is a trustee of the UK’s Spanner Trust, an organization lobbying to change a UK law making consensual SM illegal.

After Sunday’s brunch, the conference will conclude with a caucus session. Participants can attend one of six concurrent topic-driven discussions about what they’ve learned at LLC XI and what next steps they can take.

Admission packages to LLC XI, either for the full three-day conference or for single days, are still available. For details visit <www.leatherleadership.org/llc11>.

(Editor’s Note: Lavender Magazine is a Media Sponsor of LLC XI.)

Portrait of the Portrait Artist

(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #309, March 30, 2007)

PHOTOS: The artist will be sending a photograph of himself and a photograph of one of his artworks.

In the world of fine art, Morgan Monceaux is widely known as an important contemporary American portrait artist. Monceaux will be in Minneapolis for the eleventh annual Leather Leadership Conference (April 20-22), where he will be among the artists whose work is on display in the conference’s art gallery. Although he is currently undergoing treatment for lung cancer, when I interviewed him recently he sounded cheerful, strong and in good spirits.

Monceaux’s art credentials are impressive: Three of his paintings hang in the Smithsonian Institution’s National Portrait Gallery. His art has been exhibited at the Carter, Ford, Nixon and Hayes presidential libraries and at galleries and universities. He has illustrated and authored two books: Jazz: My Music, My People and My Heroes, My People: African Americans and Native Americans in the West.

Monceaux grew up in central Louisiana. His mother was a jazz singer, and “Mahalia Jackson and Louis Armstrong were my surrogate uncle and aunt.” He aspired to be an opera singer and attended Bishop College in Dallas, Texas, studying music and theology (in addition to everything else, Monceaux is a licensed and ordained minister).

But after entering the Navy and serving in Vietnam, Monceaux says he “came back a different man.” He decided to travel, “to experience the world, to see what America was about. For my own sanity, I needed to do that.”

His travels took him to San Francisco, Seattle, New York City and Long Island, where he taught himself to paint. He now lives in Baltimore in a row house that is also his studio (and that formerly was Cab Calloway’s boyhood home).

Monceaux’s non-traditional style of portraiture makes use of pastels, paint, markers and found objects such as fabric, ribbons, jewelry, plastic toys and even Popsicle sticks. Text describing the subject of the portrait swirls around the canvas.

Every so often Monceaux chooses a theme and creates a series of pieces around it after researching the theme extensively. His first creation was a series of portraits of every American president—“George to George.” Other series include “The Royals,” “Shall We Dance” (African-American professional dancers) and “Divas” (African-American concert and opera singers). His next series, “Pages from a Black Leatherman’s Journal,” will be photographs of African-American men and women who are part of the leather community.

Monceaux, known in the leather community as Nagrom or Sir Nagrom, has been a leatherman for almost 40 years. He holds the title of Mr. Ocean State Leather 2001 and competed at the 2001 American Brotherhood Weekend. He explains that his legal name is Nagrom Morgan Monceaux: “I’m Nagrom all the time, and I’m Morgan when my paintings come out.”

He is Old Guard and proud of it. “People keep saying the Old Guard is dead. We’re far from dead. We’re just standing nearby watching you make fools out of yourselves. Because you think it’s all about the sex, about how many people you can sleep with, how much pain you can take, how many times you can be wrapped up, stuck, cut, what have you.

“It isn’t about all of that. There’s a spiritual aspect to being a leatherman that so many people miss. I want my boys to know that you can go and stand before the throne of God, and this is how you do it, and let me take you there so you can see for yourself.”

Of his cancer, Monceaux says, “It’s been a ten-year fight. It went into remission, and it came back again two years ago. At one point I had decided not to go through the chemo and radiation, because I knew what it did to me the first time, and I was afraid of having to do it alone. I had a boy with me, but unfortunately he booked, he left. I was here by myself—not a very pleasant place to be.

“I thought, if this is it, then this is it, and I want to go out like a fucking comet. I’m going to paint the greatest body of work I’ve ever done.” He was working on the “Diva” series at the time.

“But I changed my mind. My paintings talked to me, and they said, ‘You can’t give up. Why are you giving up? Look at what you’re creating, look at the story you’re telling.’ And I looked at my paintings, and it was like, you’re right. What in the hell was I thinking?”

The treatments this time have been easier, he says. “I’m a guinea pig for Johns Hopkins, and they’re using a new form of treatment for my specific type of lung cancer.” And he’s no longer alone. He currently has two slaves, “one full-time 24/7 and one part-time.”

Throughout the treatment process, he has continued to paint. “That’s the one thing that helped me make it through the sick times, the times when I was puking my guts out. It allowed me to surround myself with thirty beautiful women, each one of them singing at the top of their lungs, singing their hearts out. It let me hear them tell their stories.

“So, when you said I sound cheerful and chipper, I am cheerful and chipper. Damn right. I am a man who’s very happy to be alive today, to be able to have this conversation with you.”

“Not In My Neighborhood!”

(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #308, March 16, 2007)

Small town or big city, alternate lifestyles face hostility from the neighbors

PHOTO: Rosemont Manor in Weirton, W. Va.

Whenever I become too complacent with my standing in society as a gay leatherman, something happens to jolt me back to reality. There are still a lot of folks out there who aren’t comfortable having alt-lifestylers in their midst, as demonstrated by recent events in northern West Virginia and San Francisco.

Rosemont Manor, in Weirton, West Virginia, is a gracious old mansion perched high on a hill overlooking the Ohio River. The house was built in the early 1930s by steel baron Ernest T. Weir, the founder of the Weirton Steel Corporation. Since Weir’s death in 1957, the corporation had used the house as a lodging facility—”an exclusive haven for the upper echelon of National and Weirton Steel Corporations,” in the words of the <www.rosemontmanor.com> web site.

When Rose Susko bought the Rosemont Manor property at auction she planned to use it as a bed-and-breakfast, and also to host meetings and social events, weddings and receptions, and to offer tours of the house. (The house is also her residence.)

The city, however, told Susko the property was zoned R1 (residential). “So is the golf course and country club next door,” said Susko. Nevertheless, it was a struggle to the property’s zoning changed to “R1 non-conforming usage,” which allowed commercial use of the property.

When Susko decided to make the mansion available to alternate-lifestyle groups for hosting events, she did so carefully and quietly. Other bed-and-breakfasts in the area advertise in alternate-lifestyle media, but Susko chose to set up a completely separate and private website (<www.ourhouseonthehill.com>) and to market the facility by word-of-mouth.

The Our House on the Hill web site’s main page welcomed “BDSM, fetish, master/slave, lesbian/gay, transgender, fem-dom, leather, swingers, naturalists, and CFNM” (clothed female, nude male) individuals and groups and offered the facility for hosting munches, parties, meet-and-greets, educational events and as play space. The local and regional alternate-lifestyle community responded favorably to the invitation, as evidenced by the site’s calendar of events.

On the weekend of Sept. 8-10, 2006, Ms. Olympus 2006 Lady Raven held Lady Raven’s Leather Ball at the mansion. Somehow a local TV station, WTOV9 (the NBC affiliate in Steubenville, Ohio and Wheeling, W. Va.), heard about the event and decided to go for blood. The station’s Nov. 10, 2006 news program started with a florid and inflammatory “Target 9” investigative report: “What’s going on behind the doors of this mansion? . . . What we’ve uncovered will have your head spinning! . . . One day it’s a place for weddings, the next day it can transform into a place for alternative living—including a place for nudists!”

On January 16, 2007, the station followed up with a second story: Weirton’s UDO (Unified Development Ordinance) administrator Jim McHenry had sent Susko a letter saying, “Your permit was approved for a Bed and Breakfast/Wedding and Reception facility . . . any additional uses must be likewise approved by this office.” (According to the city, “additional uses” include things such as meetings and social gatherings.) “Since, no application for expanded use has been made . . . this is a violation of the City of Weirton, Unified Development Ordinance.”

The city subsequently changed the zoning of the property back to R1 (residential) and refused to renew her business license, effectively prohibiting Susko from doing any business at all.

Susko subsequently appealed to the zoning board, which allowed WTOV9 to broadcast yet another story about the fracas. (Susko asks the question: “Who else gets television news coverage when they file a zoning-board appeal?”) At a hearing on March 6, the zoning board denied Susko’s appeal. She said she now will appeal to district court.

What’s behind the hostility Susko has experienced? Rural conservatism? Provincial prudery? “No, it’s not that,” said Susko. “There’s a lot of swinging activity in this area. It’s just hypocrisy.”

One might think something like this would not happen in a major metropolitan area like San Francisco, but one would be wrong. Kink.com, a web-based adult entertainment company, recently purchased the historic San Francisco Armory building, which had been vacant for over thirty years.

Kink.com plans to use the building as a film studio, both for themselves and to attract “mainstream” movie companies back to San Francisco. The company has said it intends to fix the broken windows, refurbish the building’s exterior security lighting and plant trees around the perimeter, but otherwise plans no major changes to the historic building.

The City of San Francisco says Kink.com’s intended use for the Armory building is in line with its zoning. Nonetheless, some of the neighbors are taking the Armory purchase badly. A group called the Mission Armory Collective attracted about 50 people for a protest march outside the armory on Feb. 7. San Francisco resident Marc Holcomb said, as part of a story on KGO-TV (San Francisco channel 7, an ABC affiliate): “Just having the thought in my head that I’m right next to this, living right next to this is nasty.”

Whatever our progress politically and socially in the last few decades, statements and attitudes like that show there is still a long way to go.

That’s Mr. Leather to You

(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #307, March 2, 2007)

PHOTOS:

The world of contemporary leather contests has been captured in Mr. Leather, a sexy, humorous, touching and ultimately inspiring film by Jason Garrett. I caught a screening of the film, which documents the 2003 Mr. Los Angeles Leather Contest, at the Leather Archives & Museum in Chicago during the annual Pantheon of Leather Awards weekend.

Why a documentary about the Mr. Los Angeles Leather Contest? First, because it’s Los Angeles, where they have the movie-industry infrastructure in place for both creating and promoting documentaries such as this. But Los Angeles also has a gay men’s leather community that is large enough to support nine feeder (i.e. bar-title) contests to produce the nine contestants in the Mr. Los Angeles Leather Contest.

In a sense, the story of Mr. L.A. Leather 2003 is the story of almost every leather contest nowadays. Mr. Leather shows us this part of the GLBT leather subculture in ways that wouldn’t be possible in a film about a larger contest such as International Mr. Leather or Mr. Mid-Atlantic Leather.

Because there are nine contestants, a fair amount of time can be spent telling each contestant’s story and showing his personal world.

The film begins with the thrill of victory: each of the contestants winning their respective feeder bar contests, thereby becoming eligible to compete in Mr. L.A. Leather. During their introductions in the film we discover they’re a good group of basically nice, happy guys. They cover a wide range of personality, intellect, and physique, but they all have leather in common.

The nine contestants tell us why they’re leathermen and why they’ve decided to get involved in the community by holding a leather title. They share their hopes, dreams and kink preferences. We meet friends, neighbors, partners and pets, and get glimpses of their daily lives, from the mundane to the esoteric.

In addition to the wide sweep and excitement of the contest as it approaches, the film also shows deliciously memorable, intimate moments such as the scene in which one contestant, aided by his partner, fumbles with and tries to zip his chaps (“Stop! You’re hurting me!”). We’ve all been there, but has it ever before been so nicely captured on film?

Filmmaker Garrett also captures small but telling details such as the fact that one contestant’s pickup truck is adorned with a studded-leather steering-wheel cover. (Where did he get it? I want one!)

As the contest date draws nearer we see the men preparing for competition—studying leather history, hitting the gym, polishing their leathers and doing some last-minute shopping. We hear them talking about their own chances, and those of their fellow contestants. Then it’s showtime, and we witness the thrills and heartbreaks, the personal victories and disappointments common to every leather competition.

Entertaining background commentary about leather, contests and the leather community is provided by Guy Baldwin and Tony Mills, M.D. (International Mr. Leather for 1989 and 1998, respectively). And it is marvelous to behold the screen presence that Daddy Don Anspauch, Mr. L.A. Leather 2002, projects as he looks back on his title year and prepares to sash his successor.

Presented by Here! Films and Regent Releasing, Mr. Leather has already appeared on the Here! premium GLBT cable-television network and will be available on DVD in May, 2007. Distribution plans also call for theatrical showings in 2007. (Clips of the film can be viewed at <www.heretv.com>.)

This is a film to be cherished within our community and to be shared with our allies.

Leather Comes to Chicago for Pantheon/Olympus Weekend

The leather world converged on Chicago the weekend of February 16-18 for the annual Pantheon of Leather weekend.

PHOTO: The Pantheon of Leather Community Service Awards were presented Saturday afternoon, Feb. 17, at the Leather Archives & Museum. A total of 34 crystal trophies were awarded in 29 categories. Here Dean Ogren, at the microphone, and John Prather accept their award for Couple of the Year.

PHOTO: Sunday evening, Feb. 18, Sir Jeff of Florida and Angela Albert of Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, were named Mr. and Ms Olympus Leather 2007. The contest took place in the auditorium of the Chicago Eagle.

Black Guard Gets “Dirty for 30”

(Leather Life column published in Lavender Magazine, Issue #306, February 16, 2007)

PHOTOS:

The Black Guard of Minneapolis, formed in 1977 and still going strong, recently celebrated its 30th anniversary at its annual Black Frost run. The theme of the run was “Getting’ Dirty for 30.” And so they did.

One of the highlights of any Black Guard run is the show. This year’s edition was presented at The Saloon the afternoon of Saturday, Feb. 3. Directed by Ralph Schmidt, the show was by turns raunchy, naughty, patriotic and inspirational—but always entertaining.

The Saturday-evening banquet, also held at The Saloon, featured a parade of club colors at which nine clubs were represented. The meal ended with an appropriate dessert: a “Black Frost” cake with black frosting.

PHOTO: BlackFrostCake.jpg

PHOTO: Miss Allison Brooks (Carl Gscheidemeier) performed “(Your Love Is Lifting Me) Higher and Higher,” a number I remember her performing in the late 1970s at the old Sun Saloon—about the time the Black Guard was formed.

PHOTOS: Miss Caroline Knipple (Steve Burroughs) performed several numbers including “Broadway Baby.”

PHOTO: Flo, Shani von Tischler and Miss Allison Brooks perform “One Moment in Time.”

Flo performs “One Moment in Time.”

PHOTO: Shani von Tischler: “I’ll Never Love This Way Again.” (Earlier she had performed “Let’s Talk Dirty to the Animals.”)

PHOTO: Ralph Schmid performed “Ring Them Bells,” the tale of Shirley Devore, who had to travel the world to find the guy next door. The audience asked for—and got—an encore.

PHOTO: Ralph Schmidt and Tom Weiland: “Islands in the Stream.”

PHOTO: Ralph Schmidt and Carl Gscheidemeier make a lovely couple as they sing “You’re Timeless to Me.”

PHOTOS: An old joke but a good one: Ice cream lady Miss Allison Brooks has run out of chocolate ice cream. Little girl customer (Mike Delorme) keeps asking for chocolate ice cream anyway. Miss Brooks finally gets her customer to understand there’s no chocolate ice cream—with the help of a slightly obscene spelling lesson.

PHOTOS: The Black Guard’s country/western stars: Tom Weiland keeps his “heart and soul in the boondocks,” while Bruce Gohr invites us to “make a little time for the good times.”

OR

PHOTOS: The Black Guard’s country/western stars: Tom Weiland keeps his “heart and soul in the boondocks,” while Bruce Gohr invites us to “live like you were dyin’.”

PHOTO: Flo, Allison Brooks and Shani von Tischler perform the Andrews Sisters’ “Hold Tight” (“When I come home late at night, I get my favorite dish—fish!”)

PHOTO: Pat Duffy performs a ballad in homage to colorectal surgeons everywhere.